


Two That Are One

by Igeekoutalot



Series: Two that are One [1]
Category: Force Bond - Fandom, Kylo Ren - Fandom, Rey/Ben Solo - Fandom, Reylo - Fandom, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Smut, Forbidden Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Trigger Warning: Mentions and slight use of pain medication
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:34:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23481766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Igeekoutalot/pseuds/Igeekoutalot
Summary: Just days after the battle of Crait, Rey was beginning to get her life situated on the moon Ajun Kloss. She had her friends, she had her ship that was becoming a new home for her and she would soon begin her Jedi training. Things were falling into place until a secret visitor caused her to face feelings she had been denying and make her realize that what she wanted may be something different than what she had previously thought.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Two that are One [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689355
Comments: 20
Kudos: 33





	1. I

_It was a warm, rainy night on Ajun Kloss, with a feel of excitement in the air. Rey had just finished going over what will eventually be her new Jedi training course and was deep in thought. She walked slowly through the jungle back to the Millennium Falcon, letting the rain gently hit her face._

* * *

The day had been long and I was still sore from the events that had transpired a day and a half before. The battle at Crait could have been looked at as a defeat, no one came to help, but the small band of what was left of the Resistance took it as a victory. They escaped, they were alive and they were together.

 _How was it only a mere 36 hours ago?_ I sighed to myself.

My head still had a slight ache to it; _no wonder, picking up over a hundred boulders with your mind will do that to you._

A sudden excited chirping exclaimed from behind me making me realized I had completely forgotten about my droid companion. “No, BB-8, I don’t think I’ll be going to the celebration tonight.”

More beeps came from the droid, this time with concern. “I’m okay, just tired. Don’t worry about me,” I said trying to reassure him “besides, Poe will probably need you more than I will tonight.”

Whatever doubts he seemed to have quickly evaporated. With one last set of joyful beeps, he was gone. The Millennium Falcon was finally coming into sight, I slowed my pace and looked up at the dark sky.

 _I will never get over the feeling of the rain on my skin_ ; I closed my eyes and stood there taking in the peaceful moment _._

* * *

I was still dripping from the rain when I came in. The old freighter was in its usual disarray, but that’s what made it home. Since landing on Ajun, I had begun cleaning the communal space up a bit, having the dejarik table double as a sitting space and slowly working on building a small kitchen area to the right of it. _Nothing much, but better than where I was_... I pushed those thoughts away quickly. I hated thinking about the days spent simply surviving on Jakku. I had started for my small bedroom towards the back of the freighter when I heard a stir from the entrance. “Chewie? I thought you had gone with Leia for the ni-“ I stopped dead in my tracks.

The tall, familiar figure just inside the loading ramp stood completely still. “Why are _you_ here” I said full of rage.

“I needed to see you” he said with a calm, deep voice.

“And what would make you think it would be okay to sneak on my ship, much less this moon just to see me? For what?” I couldn’t help but admit to myself that I was curious, though I was becoming more and more agitated, him being here didn’t make sense. _Had I fallen asleep and Kylo Ren standing in front of me was just a dream?_

He began to walk closer to me and I could feel my heart rate increase. “Why didn’t you take my hand... I need to understand.”

 _Well that’s not what I was expecting_. “Uhh.. I..” I stammered trying to think.

“I know you wanted to” he said stepping even closer. We were now arms length from each other, I began to slowly back away. “I don’t know..” I quickly said trying to buy some more time to think.

“You do. I could feel it in you. I can still feel it in you. I just need to know why.”

At this point we had made our way from the loading ramp entrance into the communal room, and he almost had me backed in a corner. In an attempt to have some upper hand in this... bizarre exchange that was taking place, I decided to quickly move to the dejarik table and sit. Kylo stopped in front of me with the slightest smirk on his face.

 _He’s enjoying this!_ “I don’t like what you stand for” I finally said, “the First Order stands for oppression and domination and goes against what I believe.”

Kylo stood there for a moment and then a smile spread across his face “that’s not the real reason, Rey. That’s just what you tell yourself to suppress you’re true feelings.”

I became angry again and sprang up from my chair “did you come here just to provoke me?! Or to make a fool of yourself, because you’re doing an outstanding job with both!”

His face softened and our gazes met. His hand slowly moved out and gently brushed back some of the hair that had fallen in my face. It took me a moment to realize that I had been holding my breath, I slowly exhaled and could feel my anger fade.

“I did want to take your hand” I softly admitted, looking back up at him. He brought his face closer to mine, paused for a brief moment and then kissed me. It was soft and lasted for just an instant. When I opened my eyes, I realized I was in his arms and he was staring at me with the look of surprise and amazement etched on his face. We looked at each other, waiting for the other’s reaction. In the shock of it all, I wanted to be mad, to be appalled but I wasn’t.

_Why am I not fighting this?_

He leaned in much faster this time, and I met him with the same intensity. His arms squeezed around me and I found my hands moving in his hair and the back of his neck. I felt breathless and almost out of body and yet felt as though I had come alive. What started as a slow kiss became faster and faster as we yearned to be together. We made our way through the Falcon, tripping over miscellaneous items and bumping into walls until we finally made it to my bedroom. As we entered the room he stopped kissing me, smiled and nervously said “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I couldn’t help but let out a tiny laugh. I slowly put out a slightly shanking hand, caressing his cheek and whispered “neither do I.”

We started off slow, we kissed with just as much eagerness as before but more deeply now, taking in the moment. He started to undress me, taking his time with the outer fabric, slowly working his way to my tunic. The tunic was loose around my body, enough so that when he moved the straps over my shoulders it fell to the floor. I suddenly became very conscientious and began to blush.

“Look at me” he said so softly I almost wasn’t sure if he had actually spoken. I looked up and met his gaze, “you are beautiful.”

I reached out, held his face and kissed him slowly, breathing in the smell of him and tasting the sweetness on his lips. I was able to undress him with surprising ease, we stood there holding each other, feeling each others warmth and the quickness of our heartbeats. Without needing to be said we laid on the bed, his large, muscular body nearly weightless on top of me with his arms still wrapped around me. He gave one more look as if he were making sure I was still okay and I answered him with a kiss.

* * *

We laid there, trying to catch our breaths. My room was nearly too hot, I kicked my covers off of me in one slow, lazy movement. I leaned to my side to see him watching me “what?” I asked with a nervous laugh.

He traced the outline of my face with his fingertips, so gently that it tickled. “I saw you” he began “I could feel you everywhere... did you feel that too?”

I had. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced, it was as if we had been living in a dark room and suddenly there was light, _and he was all I could see._ “Yes” I said nearly breathless again.

I scooted closer to him, still laying on my side and rested my head on his shoulder. I slowly followed the lines of his body with my hands; his arms were long and strong, his hands– _how have I not noticed before how huge he is?_ – were nearly twice the size of mine. I moved to his chest, it would’ve been perfect, had it not been for the scar I gave him. I lingered on the scar, tracing it. Aside from the one on his face, I had never truly seen what I had done to him.

“Having regrets?” He poked with a smile in his voice.

I replied with the same playfulness “no, just thinking that it’s such a shame, you have lovely skin.” _What am I doing?_

“Yeah, okay” he said with thick sarcasm. I placed my fingertips on his cheek, moving them up and down in a slow fluid motion while looking into his soft brown eyes.

 _This is Ben_ , I thought to myself, he could no longer be Kylo Ren with me. _I see you, Ben_. I continued looking into his eyes, trying to find words to the question that needed to be asked, “Ben... what is this?” Before he could answer, there was movement in the hall filled by a friendly voice

“Hey, Rey? Are you okay?” Finn’s voice startled us, I felt as though I had jumped at least an inch out of my body and quickly put my hand over Ben’s mouth to further muffle his quiet laughter while using the force to keep the door tightly in place.

“Uhhh yeah I’m okay! Everything is great!” ‘ _Everything is great’_ , I thought with a cringe, this is not good. Ben was watching with more amusement than the situation called for, I couldn’t help but start to giggle, “ _STOP_ ” I said in the quietest demand.

“ _I’m not doing anything”_ he whispered back, trying hard to fight back a smile.

“ _Shhh! Yes you are and you know it.”_ Finn spoke suddenly again, making me jump for the second time, “Are you sure you’re okay? I came in earlier to find my jacket– have you seen it? Anyway, I heard you make a.. weird noise and since you hadn’t left your room I figured I’d check on you”

I could feel my eye go wide and immediately began to blush, this cannot be happening right now. “Oh yeah, I’m fine, I just hit my toe on the bed frame. Don’t worry, I’m fine!”

My bed was now shaking with suppressed laughter. I shot Ben a dirty look and quickly added, “And yeah I think it’s in the cockpit behind Chewy’s chair... I promise I’m okay, but I’m going to sleep, good night, Finn.”

Finn lingered outside my door for a moment longer before finally saying, “If you say so. And thanks, sleep well.”

We waited to move only once we heard the loading ramp close. How did I not hear it open when he came in? I guess I was distracted... “You are a terrible liar.”

Ben’s voice suddenly brought me out of my thoughts, “I could’ve done better if you would’ve stopped laughing!” I replied with a smile, “and it wouldn’t have been so funny if he came in here and saw you in my bed.”

His face hardened slightly, “He couldn’t have done anything... but I do have to go soon before someone finds my ship” he took my hand, gently kissed the top of it and placed it on his cheek. “I need to see you again” he said with resolution in his voice.

“I don’t know how that would be possible, this clearly isn’t the best place for you to come.”

Ben abruptly stood up and began to dress, “Leave that to me, I know a place. I just need a couple days to get everything there in order, could you meet me then?”

I sat up, watching him dress and smiling to myself, “I can’t just leave whenever I want, I need to get approval. And Finn and Poe will wonder why I want to leave by myself.”

He immediately stopped at that and looked at me, “You shouldn’t have to answer to anyone. You are so much more than that.”

A sly grin creeped across my face, “We can’t all be a Supreme Leader.”

He let out a little snort with a smile to match mine, “Take my hand and you could.” He finished getting dressed in silence, I had so many questions but not enough words except for the reoccurring thought, W _hat am I doing?_

I couldn’t take the silence anymore, “I’ll see what I can do.” He smiled at that, a smile that brightened his entire face and showed such light in his eyes that I felt as though I could melt in them. He leaned across my bed and gave me a deep, slow kiss; his lips now familiar to mine, still with that sweet, almost intoxicating taste. I yearned to pull him back into my bed but knew the night was only a few hours away from ending. I laid back, staring up at him, touching his face one last time and whispered, “You should probably go now, Ben.”

He stood back up, his gaze lingering on me, with a look of uncertainty as if he were trying to find the right words to say before finally settling on “I’ll see you soon,” and with that he walked out the door.

I could hear his footsteps echo through the Falcon to the loading ramp and then there was nothing but silence. I couldn’t help but feel a slight longing for him to come back.

_He literally just left, what is wrong with me?_

I laid there for a long time going over what had just happened, coming to the conclusion that I couldn’t let it happen again. He may have been Ben to me, but he’s still Kylo Ren to everyone else. It just wouldn’t work, it couldn’t work. I did the best I could to convince myself that that was how I truly felt; but as I drifted to sleep the last thoughts I had was the feeling of his cheek under my fingers, the hunger in his kisses that led me to eagerly give myself to him without a second thought, the softness of his brown eyes and the name “ _Ben_ ” bright in my mind.

* * *

He had just arrived onto the First Order’s main ship and was walking to his quarters. He liked this time of day the best, it was still quiet with minimal movement from the usual bustle of crew, officers and stormtroopers.

 _Less distractions,_ he thought.

He made it to the serenity of his room, it was large and glossy white, everything was tidy, in its place and without a speck of dirt or dust. He smiled to himself thinking of the clutter in the Falcon. Usually clutter was something he couldn’t tolerate but her clutter was warm and welcoming, to be there with her felt like he was exactly where he was meant to be. He began to hear more footsteps and far away voices from beyond his doors but he wasn’t ready to start his day just yet.

He breathed deeply and reached out to her through the force....

_He could see her still sleeping, laying in the exact place she had been when he left._

So beautiful _, he thought._

_He gently moved some of her light brown hair behind her ear and studied every inch of her sleeping face. He wanted desperately to wake her, to tell her that she was all he needed, all he’s ever truly wanted but he knew it was too soon. He could feel the conflict in her feelings for him._

He couldn’t push her _, he thought,_ she will come to it on her own with time _._

_He leaned down and ever so delicately kissed her forehead and was gone._

  
He sat for one final moment before starting the day and closed his eyes. _She had called him Ben_ , he thought, holding on to the memory of his name on her lips.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts, “Supreme Leader, you are needed in holding bay 3...”

_When they were together, he felt more alive than he had ever felt. For her, he knew he could be Ben Solo. But here, he must continue as Kylo Ren._


	2. II

I woke with a start. There were no windows in my small room but I could tell I had slept way later than I normally would.

 _My legs are so sore_ , I noted as I stretched. I almost started to wonder what could’ve caused it when I was suddenly hit with the memories of the night before; my legs wrapped around Ben’s smooth back and the sound of his heavy breathing in my ear. I began to blush deeply, _well that happened_.

I rolled to my side and looked at the spot he had occupied and sighed. I finally mustered some energy and dressed for the day. As I passed through the communal area on my out of the Falcon I couldn’t help but think of the way Ben had looked at me after we first kissed, I suddenly wished I could stroke his cheek again. _No, I can’t want that. I shouldn’t_...

* * *

Poe and BB-8 were just outside the loading entrance when I finally stepped out of the freighter. “Ah! The dead has awoken,” exclaimed Poe in a lighthearted voice. “

You are seriously so dramatic. I haven’t been sleeping for _that_ long,” I said laughing. I turned to BB-8, looking at the small, circular droid with fondness, “I’m going on my first run on the course, you coming?”

He looked at Poe and then back to me and let out a set of matter-of-fact beeps. “No, no, I get it, you can always come another day.” He rolled slightly closer to me and emitted another series of beeps. “You’re not hurting my feelings and besides, you’d probably beat me through it,” I said with a wink.

* * *

The course was more rigorous than I had anticipated, I managed to make my way through it with only a few scrapes, _not too bad for my first run_.

I started absentmindedly walking, enjoying the beauty of the lush, green jungle and found myself headed toward Leia’s hut. _What am I doing_?

She was outside the hut giving orders to someone I had never met before. She caught a glance of me and her face brightened, they have the same eyes. “Rey! It’s good to see you, how’d you like the training course?”

I momentarily hesitated, _was I really about to do this_? “It was a lot, but I’ll get it... Actually, I came here to ask you something...”

She turned her head slightly while raising her eyebrows, “Oh?” I began to get nervous and tried to compose myself but my voice came out shaky “Well, I was wondering if I’d be able to take a few days off soon? There’s some things that I need to take care of.”

She studied my face for a moment before she replied “Of course. Though, we have to finish getting the base together. Is two weeks from today soon enough?”

I could feel myself relax “It’s perfect,” I said with a smile. Leia continued to look at me as though trying to solve a puzzle, but became distracted by an approaching group of young officers with concerned looks on their faces. “Time to solve another catastrophe,” she said with spry smile.

* * *

By the time I got back to the Falcon, the sun was setting and I was completely famished. I immediately went to my make shift kitchen and found some fruit indigenous to the jungle and _whatever_ this was that Chewie had cooked and left for me.

I began to quickly devour what was on my plate when a deep voice, thick with amusement spoke, “can you even taste it eating that fast?”

I jumped so hard my knee hit the bottom of the dejarik table. “ _Ben_! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

He stood less than three feet away from me; his arms crossed and he had small smile on his face, “I figured you would’ve felt me through the force.”

 _Hmm, I must’ve been so hungry I hadn’t been paying attention. I can definitely feel it now though_. Through our force bond, it felt as though the entire galaxy stops, the background fades into a blur and all that was left was him and I.

“I guess I was too busy inhaling my food to notice,” I said with a laugh. He hadn’t taken his eyes off of me since I had noticed him. From a glance he had his normal, refined look about him but I began to notice that _something_ was off.

He looked apprehensive, as if he were about to receive bad news, “Ben, are you okay?” I couldn’t help but ask. I fought the urge to touch him, _maybe he’s having second thoughts about... whatever this is that we were doing_.

He took a step and was in front of me, holding out his hand. I slowly took it and he gently pulled me up from my seat. My arms instinctively went around his neck and I looked into his soft eyes. “How could anything be wrong when you’re looking at me like that?” He said quietly, momentarily hesitating and then continued, “Were you able to find out if you can leave?” He seemed to completely tense while waiting for my response.

 _He didn’t think I’d ask_ , I thought with a hint of sadness. I let go of the back of his neck and held his face, “Actually, yes. It’ll just have to be two weeks from now.”

I could feel his entire body relax, his eyes lit with happiness and he gave me a breathtaking smile, “Really? That’s great.. I just... that’s really good to hear.”

I smiled up at him, _how can the man standing before me stammering also be the leader of the First Order,_ I thought to myself. “Why do you seem so surprised?” I said still stroking his face.

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure you’d actually consider coming.”

In truth, I hadn’t been sure either until I saw his eyes in Leia’s and realized that I missed them. _I missed him_. I wasn’t sure what to say back to him, I was having a hard enough time admitting to myself that I really did want to see him again, there was no way I could tell him, so instead I kissed him. He kissed me back, his hands gently stroking my lower back and then pulled away. “I’m sorry,” he said begrudgingly, “I _really_ don’t want to stop but I have to go.”

“Why?”

He smiled at me, “I’m dealing with an overwhelming amount of incompetence that requires my attention.” I let out a sigh, “you know you wouldn’t have to deal with incompetency if you stayed here... with me.”

A shadow of conflict crossed his face and his eyes grew sad. He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead murmuring, “That’s a conversation for another time.” He was gone in the next moment leaving me with the nagging, repetitive question: W _hat am I doing_?

* * *

Ben began coming to me through our force bond every night just after sunset. Most nights we would lay in my bed talking about frivolous things and simply enjoying the feel of being close to the other. Sometimes we would talk about our day, though in all of our conversations I would stay far away from anything that might betray the resistance. I mostly trusted him but still had some uncertainties. We used this time to become accustomed to each other and it became a routine that I welcomed. The more we talked, the more I began to realize that I longed to hear his voice throughout the day, to see his face brighten with a smile, to feel his arms tightly around me.

* * *

After days of begging, I finally broke down and agreed to go with Finn and Poe to the local cantina close to base. It was a small building with strings of lights that gave the place a relaxed atmosphere. It was nice to be able to drink and laugh with friends, so much so that I ended up drinking a few too many and lost track of time. I was enjoying the melody of the music and listening to Finn and Poe ramble on about something to do with blasters when things started to muffle, as though the world around me was underwater. I looked up and Ben was there.

A wide smile crossed my face. “Uhh Rey, you good?” Finns voice sounded so far away but it was enough to halfway snap me back into reality

“Actually, you know I’m feeling a little sick, I think I’m going to head back to the ship.” My head was spinning from the drinks and from the excitement of seeing Ben.

“Do you need me to walk you back,” Finn asked with concern.

“No, I’m okay. Don’t stop having fun just for me, good night everyone.” I stood up, trying to leave as fast as possible and stumbling a little while doing so. Ben and I made our way out of the cantina and into the warm night air. We slowly walked on a dirt path through the jungle hand in hand, every now and then bumping into each other as I struggled to find my footing.

“I miss being with you,” he said at last.

“You’re here with me now,” I said trying not to slur my words.

“No, I miss _really_ being with you. I’m truly on my ship at the edge of no where and you’re in some jungle on a tiny moon.”

I started laughing, “well then I guess it’s a good thing you’ll be _really_ seeing me in two days.”

He gave me a side look with a tiny grin, “Keeping track?”

I giggled some more, “Oh whatever, coming from the one who can’t go twelve days with out seeing me.”

“I’d rather not go a day without seeing you, much less twelve. It feels more like twelve hundred.” I stopped and faced him, I could feel the flush on my face from the drinks and of happiness. “Ben Solo, has anyone ever told you, you are slightly melodramatic?”

He leaned forward with a mischievous smile and said with a deep, soft voice, “ _Never_.” He gave me a quick kiss before continuing on our way.

Once we arrived back at the Falcon, I set out for my room. My head was spinning and these boots needed to come off _now_. I sat, groaning with relief while taking off my boots, closed my eyes and fell back in my bed. When I opened them, Ben was leaning in the doorway with a smile.

“Come here,” I said with hunger.

He straightened and slowly walked to me, “You’re drunk.”

 _Is he seriously arguing with me right now_ , “Yes, and I want you.” He brushed my hair back behind my shoulder and began to trace the outline of my neck with his fingertips moving slowly down my arm.

He slowly exhaled, “No.. Rey, I don’t want to do something you might regret when you’re not, uh, deeply intoxicated.”

I rolled my eyes, “That didn’t seem to stop you the first time,” I sighed before continuing, “Fine. Although I would like to state for the record that I wouldn’t regret anything. Will you at least hold me?”

He smiled, “I would never say no to that.” He laid down, pulled me over to him and held me close. I inhaled deeply, breathing the smell of him in. He had a sweet, yet earthy scent to him. I laid my head on his chest and listened to the way he breathed and the strong rhythm of his heartbeat.

“Ben..” I said nearly asleep, “I miss really being with you too.”

* * *

He stayed with her long after she had fallen asleep. He loved watching her sleep, when she was awake she radiates confidence and strength; she is a force to reckon with. But as she slept she seemed small and delicate, especially curled up in his arms. He ran his fingers through her hair before kissing her forehead and she reflexively moved her arm so that it rested on his ribs and stroked his back before drifting back into a deep sleep.

Ben hugged her against him, resting his chin on top of her head. He tried to think of a time he had experienced so much happiness but nothing could compare to being with Rey.

 _She made him feel alive and free and_ good, he thought.

His feelings for her were clear and certain from the moment he saw her; he loved her with every fiber of his being. He slowly moved her arms from around him and covered her with her blanket. He bent down and kissed her on the cheek, closing his eyes and lingering for a moment. When he reopened his eyes he was back in his quarters feeling as though he had just left his heart on a small jungle moon far across the galaxy.


	3. III

I had been up for hours. I couldn’t sleep thinking of the day ahead of me. It was still dark as I left the Falcon, but the signs of daybreak were beginning to show. I ran the training course hard and fast, trying to find any way I could to ease my nerves. At the end of it, I sat in a small clearing closing my eyes and reached out to Ben. 

His room was giant and lit only by a light hovering over a table where different types of artifacts were neatly placed. “Well this is a first,” he said surprised, looking me over. 

I became acutely aware that I was dripping in sweat and red faced from my work out. “I couldn’t sleep,” I said slightly embarrassed, “And you never sent me the location coordinates last night. I may need that tiny detail if I’m going to meet you in a few hours.” 

He laughed, “You are so impatient. You should really try to enjoy a surprise every now and then.” I gave him a playful side glance, “You sure are lively for it being so early. I had no idea you were such a morning person.” 

He laughed again, and pulled me into his embrace, “That’s because I get to see you today,” he murmured while running his fingers through my hair. 

I could feel the happiness flow through me and a smile spread across my face, “Not too much longer.” We shared a kiss, slowly moving our lips together, savoring the sweetness of it. 

We were interrupted with a knock at his door, making me jump. “I swear, I can’t stand anyone on this ship,” he said in a raspy voice. 

“Be nice,  _Supreme Leader_ , ” I poked at him, “just a couple more hours and we’ll be...  wherever we’re going.”

“Okay, okay I’ll send you the coordinates in an hour. I have to go.. I’ll see you soon,” he said with a smile. My heart leapt, “See you soon.” 

* * *

The sun had risen by the time I walked back from the course and the base was alive with movement. The Millennium Falcon was off to the side from the main portion of the base, I was was ready to grab my things and the navigational chip Ben had given me a few nights before. 

As I walked in I could hear the clanging of pots and pans. Poe was making breakfast while Finn and Chewy played a game of dejarik. “Morning everyone,” I said with a cheerful voice. All three looked up with surprise, 

“Have you been gone this whole time? We thought you were still sleeping?!” 

I gave Poe a face, “It’s good to know my presence will be missed... these are fantastic by the way,” I said taking a bite out of the sausage he had cooked, “I can’t stay long though, I’m about to leave.” Silence.  _Oh here we go_ ,  I thought.

“I don’t understand why you’re leaving without us,” Finn said for what seemed like the millionth time since finding out about my departure. 

“I’m only going to be gone for two days. And it’s, uh, personal business that I.. have to do.”  _ Wow, I really am bad at lying _ , I thought. 

“Right. Well, are you ever going to tell us what this  _ personal business  _ is,” Finn asked. 

“Hmm, I guess it just depends on how well it goes,” I said while quickly walking back to my room to stop any further questions.  _Finn, I’ve been secretly talking to Ben Solo, who you know as Kylo Ren, and we’ve been happily conspiring to meet on an unknown-to-me planet. That would go over so well_. 

I gathered my things and found the navigational chip blinking,  good , I thought,  he finally set the location.  I said good bye to my friends, darting their quizzical looks and was off.

* * *

I found the X-wing that Leia had assigned to me for the couple days I would be gone and tampered a little with the tracking device, I hated feeling as though I was being deceitful but I couldn’t risk anyone finding out where I was going... and who I was going to meet. _They wouldn’t understand_.

I entered the cockpit, put in the navigational chip and waited for the coordinates to pop up.  _Naboo_?  I had heard the name before but couldn’t think of where. 

The flight to Naboo seemed endless. I was beyond nervous and excited with an underlying feeling fear. I still wasn’t sure what I was even doing talking to Ben, much less secretly meeting him but I could no longer deny to myself that I was drawn to him in a way that I didn’t understand. 

* * *

I shot out of light speed and into Naboo’s orbit. It was a beautiful planet filled with a million different shades of blues and greens. As I began my descent, I felt a pull deep in my mind,  _he’s already here_ ,  I thought with my cheeks immediately flushing. 

I followed the navigational chip to a cabin at the edge of a forest. Landing next to Ben’s TIE fighter, I swiftly exited my own ship. I was surrounded by Ben’s embrace the second my feet touched the ground. We began to laugh as we held each other, I gazed up into his eyes and brought my lips to his. He kissed me back with such intensity, I felt as though I had touched a live wire, my body was suddenly fully aware of him and begging for his touch on my bare skin. I began to kiss his neck and he let out a small moan; in a effortless motion he picked me up and took my inside, I wrapped my legs around him and continued kissing his neck, moving up to his jaw and then finding his lips once again. We fell onto the bed and began undressing with vigor, as though we had to be together or the need for each other would consume us as if it were a fire. We started out slowly, I moved my hips closer to his, letting him know with my body that it was okay to go harder,  deeper into me. He kissed me hard, his tongue finding mine. I could taste the sweet, saltiness of his mouth; he let out a moan. We moved our bodies with such a rhythm that I began to loose myself, I grabbed onto his shoulders and tightened my legs around his waist and let out a cry. I relaxed my body, feeling as though I was melting into the bed and let the waves of pleasure wash over me. When I opened my eyes Ben was staring at me, “Hi,” he said smiling, while still trying to catch his breath. His hair was in his face sticking to the sweat on his forehead, I brushed it back and then placed my hand on his cheek, softly stroking it, “Hi.” We laid there silently, soaking in the peaceful moment of us  _ really  _ being together. 

* * *

A short time later, my eyes began to wander around the cabin, taking in my surroundings for the first time. “Where did you find this place,” I finally asked. 

“It’s mine, actually.” 

“Wait,” I said propping myself up so that we were eye level, “ you own this? Why?” 

He laughed, “Why does that surprise you? This planet– we used to come here when I was a boy. I guess I just wanted a place of my own on a planet that had... some good memories. Though, I haven’t been back since I bought it.”

I studied his face, his eyes seemed far away. I took his hand in mine and whispered, “Maybe we can make better ones.” 

“I’d like that very much,” he whispered back. 

My stomach began to audibly growl, “Would you happen to have food here,” I asked with a giggle. 

“Uhh... no. But the good new is,” he said springing up and began to dress, “there’s a village not too far from here. We can get something there.” I looked at him and raised my brow, “You’re wearing  that to the village?” 

He looked down at himself and then back to me, “What’s wrong with this?” 

I laughed at the bewildered look on his face, “Nothing, it’s just you look very.. Supreme leader-ish.” A rueful grin spread across his face, he crawled back in bed and hovered over me, “We can just stay here..” He kissed me deeply, warming my body. I pulled away, “We’re going to starve if we follow with that plan.” My stomach growled again as though agreeing. “Fine,” he sighed and collapsed on top of me, letting his weight crush me.

“Get off,” I said between laughs, “you weigh a  _ ton _ !” He smiled and lazily rolled off. I slid out of bed and got dressed, feeling his eyes on me the whole time. I looked at him over my shoulder, “You know, you don’t have to watch.”

“I can think of absolutely nothing I’d rather look at.” I jokingly rolled my eyes and held out my hand to him, “Yeah, yeah, let’s go, Solo.”

* * *

The sun was starting to go down by the time we made it to the village. It was relatively big, though wasn’t even a blip compared to the massive city miles to the south of us. There were many different species of beings here but consisted mainly of humans and some sort of amphibious-humanoid species with long, billed faces. We passed a market place that held a variety of exotic looking foods and goods, I spotted something and made a mental note to come back for it later. We ended up at a small open-aired tavern. We sat in a secluded area that overlooked what seemed to be an endless sea of deep green grass.

“It’s beautiful here,” I said dreamily. 

“I’m glad you like it. I.. well I– I really wanted everything to be perfect,” he said quickly.

I grabbed his hand that was laying on the table and gave it a small squeeze, “It is.” 

Our waitress brought us our meals, lingering over Ben a little too close and for a little too long. “Thanks, we're good here,” I said sharper than I had meant.  _Am I seriously jealous right now_?  That clearly caught Ben off guard as he nearly spat his water out and began trying to clear his throat to stop himself from laughing. “Was that necessary?” He asked after finding composure.

“I mean, if she would’ve stood any closer she might as well have just sat in your lap.” He gave me an incredulous look and I burst into a fit of laughter over how absurd I was acting. “How’s your food?” 

“It’s delicious, you know sometimes–“ I stopped and looked down. Opening up to people was hard for me, something that I simply didn’t do because I’ve never had anyone to open myself up to. 

“Yeah?” He asked carefully, urging me to go on. 

“Sometimes I just can’t believe that a few months ago I settled with eating quarter portions of bread that came from dehydrated tablets. I’d missed out on so much waiting in a barren desert for... nothing.” This time he was the one to squeeze my hand, “Name something you think you’ve miss out on and well do it; I’d do anything for you, Rey.” 

I looked up and into his eyes, they were comforting and warm and I knew that what he said was true. I slowly nodded and said with a smile, “Do you want to get out of here?”

We walked through the market place hand in hand; there was so much color and movement, the sound of conversations being held and laughter surrounded us, the place radiated happiness. We bought some food for the cabin and began walking back. We approached the cabin and I took in its surroundings. It sat alone in a field of ankle high grass, covered in patches of wild flowers. The forest next to it was thick with tall trees with a small path that led into it. “You surprise me,” I said to Ben. 

“How so?”

“Well for one, you clearly have an eye for a place on a great location.” 

He snorted, “I liked it because it was quiet and far from other people.”

“You’re also thoughtful and caring. You’re kind of a softy, actually.” 

He leaned to the side and murmured in my ear “Only for you.” He walked ahead and opened the cabin door for me with a wide grin on his face, “don’t forget chivalrous,” he said with a wink. 

_And you have a smile that is heart-stoppingly beautiful_ ,  I added to myself. 

I walked passed him and muttered, “And also dramatic.” I looked around at the small, yet spacious one and a half roomed cabin. To the left of the door stood a small kitchen, with a rustic looking table with two chairs. The rest of the place consisted of the bed,  _ which we had already acquainted ourselves with _ , I thought with a soft blush; a dresser and the bathroom.

“What do you plan on doing with the place?”

“Well, I kind of forgot about it until you agreed to meet me. Now maybe.. I think we could start coming here. You know, when you can.” We had only been here for a few hours and I had already completely forgotten about the resistance and the uncertainty that stretched all around the galaxy. As if reading my mind he reached out for my arm and gently stroked it, “We don’t have to think about that now, let’s go to bed.” We climbed into bed and for the first time, fell asleep in each others arms. 

* * *

I woke up early the next morning to Ben rolling over and draping his enormous leg over my waist. I scooted as close as I could to him and smiled to myself. I suddenly opened my eyes and sighed remembering the object in the village that I had wanted to get and very carefully got up. I dressed quickly in hopes of returning before he woke up and gave him a light kiss on his head before leaving. 

* * *

When I got back to the cabin, Ben was awake and making breakfast. His face lit up when he saw me, “Hey, where’d you go?”

I smiled wide at him, “I got you something– I didn’t know you could cook?!” “Add that to your list of surprises,” he said playfully mocking me before giving me a kiss. He then looked down and saw that I was holding a bag, his eyes snapping back up to meet mine, “Oh, you seriously got me something?” 

“Yeah but it’s nothing major or anything, I saw it yesterday and thought you needed it for when we’re here.” 

It really wasn’t anything much, just a long sleeved sweater; the moment I saw it, I knew I had to get it for him. At first glance it was just plain black, but when the sunlight hit it, it gave off a beautiful hue of a deep, dark blue. I didn’t realize how nervous I was until I handed him the bag. He opened the bag, looking at its contents and smiled and hugged me, “Thank you, that’s really sweet. But, uh... what’s it for?” 

“Well, I figured we needed to soften your look while we’re here.”

“Whatever you say,” before excitedly adding, “I have a surprise for you as well.”

“Really? What?”

“Let’s hurry and eat and I’ll show you.”

* * *

We left the cabin and began walking towards the path that I had noticed last night. “Where are we going?” 

“You’ll see when we get there... can you swim?” I gave him a perplexed look, “Yeah, I can, though the story on how I learned isn’t a pretty one..” I trailed off and looked at him out of the corner of my eye, “Why?”

He smiled, “We have to swim to get there.” 

We walked for about fifteen minutes before coming to a slow flowing river. I went up to its bank and was amazed at how clear it was. I turned to Ben and forgot what I was going to say when I saw him stripping down to nothing. “What are you doing?!” I said clearly shocked, though not stopping him. I looked him up and down slowly and swallowed hard. His body was perfect, I watched the muscles on his shoulders and back move as bent to remove his boots and then his pants...

“Are you coming,” he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I could feel the warmth of my cheeks, no doubt a deep pink, “Oh! Right,” I said with a nervous laugh. 

I undressed and stepped into the water, surprised at the warmth of it. We swam for a while before finding ourselves at the edge of a waterfall with what looked like a ten, maybe fifteen foot drop. “So... you’re wanting us to jump... from here?” I asked with hesitation. He turned, looking at me with a nervous yet excited look, “It’ll be fun,” he said and held out his hand, “trust me.”

I took his hand and we jumped into the water beneath us. I broke the waters surface with a gasp. I looked around to find Ben swimming towards the waterfall. He turned giving me an exuberant look before disappearing behind it . 

_He’s going to be the death of me_ ,  I thought while trying to catch up to him. 

It was humid inside the cave with a rich, earthy smell. As my eyes adjusted, I began to realize that it was almost glowing.  _ No, it  _ is  _glowing_ ,  I thought completely enamored by the sight. 

All around, the cave let off a luminescence of light blue. Ben smiled at me and kept going further in, stopping at a small, raised surface covered in fuzzy moss. He pulled himself out of the water and sat down, motioning for me to join him. He spoke quietly, yet his deep voice echoed all around me, “I found this place a long time ago. I didn’t really like spending too much time around my parents.. they were scared of me.” He paused momentarily in thought and then continued, “I’d spend my days exploring the forest. When I found this waterfall, I easily jumped off it a million times before finding the cave behind it. I loved it here. I didn’t have any expectations to fail or feel my parents’ apprehension when I exceeded them  _ too  _ well. I felt at peace and happy that I could simply.. be.” He looked up at me then, grabbing my hand and gently stroking the top of it, “I feel the same way when I’m with you.”

My heart fluttered as he said the words. I grabbed his face, kissing him all over before finally landing on his lips. I laid back on the soft, cool moss and opened myself up to him. The sound of our moans and heavy breathing echoed off the cave walls, enhancing the moment when the warm pleasure swept over me. We laid there for a moment, still together and I looked into his eyes and whispered, “Thank you for bringing me here,” and kissed him softly. 

* * *

It was dark by the time we got back to the cabin. Things had been so lighthearted on our walk back, but as we came in, the realization that we would have to leave in the morning started to sink in and filled the air with sullenness. I rummaged quietly through the cabinets trying to find something to eat, settling on the easiest thing I could find and sat at the table. Ben sat in the chair across from me yet the look on his face told me he was far away, deep in thought. “I really wish we didn’t have to leave,” he said quietly, “I’m not ready to leave you.” 

“Then don’t... come back with me.”

He looked at me very seriously, “I can’t.” 

“Why not?! I don’t understand. You’re good, Ben, Kylo Ren isn’t you. You said it yourself, you’d do anything for me so why not give up the First Order so we can actually be together?” 

“I would do anything for you,” 

“Clearly not,” I shot back.

“And what about you,” his voice beginning to raise, “I asked for you to join me before _this_ between us even started. If I asked you to come with me would you go?”

“That’s not the same!”

“Oh isn’t it? You believe in  the resistance  and I believe in the First Order. Rey, I want to be with you; I lo– I don’t want to fight with you. Please.” He hesitated, testing the waters to see if I’d stop him, before pulling me into him. 

I held him tightly and whispered, “I’m sorry. I just.. I see you, Ben.” I paused for a moment trying to think, “How about we don’t talk about our... differences until we figure out what  _ this _ is.” 

“Okay,” he said quietly, “but I want you to know that I do want to be with you. Don’t think that I don’t.” I could hear the hurt and loneliness in his voice, I knew it all too well. I had spent the majority of my life feeling completely alone and hadn’t known a tender touch until Ben’s. I relaxed my grip from around his shoulders and caressed his face, stroking his cheek with my fingertips, “I know.” 

I kissed him softly and opened my mouth, inviting his tongue in. He began kissing me with urgency and  need.  But not this time, I said by keeping the pace slow.  This time doesn’t need urgency, this time needs to be soft and tender.  I guided him to the bed and slowly took my clothes off and then began undressing him. He sat in the middle of the bed and I climbed on top of him and lowered myself down so that he was deep inside me. We held each other and I began moving my hips back and forth, up and down in a slow rhythm. He moved one of his hand up my back and to the base of my skull, pulling me deeper onto him. “Open your eyes,” he breathed into my mouth. I did to find his staring back at me. I let out a moan and held his back tighter. I could feel my legs begin to shake, “Not yet,” he said with a grunt. I began moving at a faster pace, trying hard not to close my eyes as the waves of pleasure began to consume me. I let out a loud moan and buried my face into his neck. I could feel his whole body tense around be and then he relaxed with a groan. He was breathing hard and started to stroke my back. His warm touch felt good against my cool skin, slick with sweat. 

We laid back in bed and I rolled to my side and looked up to see his eyes already closed and a tiny smile on his face. “Ben?”

“Hmm?” He answered sleepily.

“I think I like you.”

He opened his eyes and looked down at me “I like you too, Rey.” He pulled me close, kissed the top of my head and fell asleep. I slowly sat up so I could see him. I watched him sleep for a few minutes, I felt my heart squeeze at the sight of him so at peace. I whispered as quietly as I could “ You have so much light, Ben,”  before laying back down and drifting off to sleep in the warmth of his embrace. 

* * *

The next morning came too fast. I woke up but laid perfectly still, trying to savor the feeling of waking up next to bed, not knowing when it would happen again. I knew I would come back, after the last two days of being with Ben, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay away. The sun shined through the window next to the bed casting a perfect lighting throughout that cabin. I looked around thinking of things to do to make this place feel homey.  _Plants,_ I thought,  _I want lots of plants. And maybe_...  I looked over towards the bathroom but caught Ben’s gaze. 

“Good morning,” I said with a smile. 

He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled back, “Good morning.” He continued looking at me and I grew a little self conscious, “What?” I asked with a nervous laugh. 

He slowly shook his head and stretched, “I’m going to miss you.” It felt as though my heart fell to my stomach. “I thought about was you said the other night... I want to come back.” His face brightened and he wrapped me into him, resting his cheek on my forehead. “And we can see each other at night through our force connection. It won’t be so bad.”

“Yeah,” he murmured into my hair, “at least we have that.” 

We spent the rest of the morning moving slowly, trying to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. But by mid morning I knewit was time and gave him a dismal look. He deeply sighed, “You need to get back before they start getting worried.” 

“Yeah..” He walked over to me and hugged me tight, “It’ll be okay, I can see you tonight,” he said with a feigned smile. It was supposed to be encouraging but I tightened my grip around him and buried my face into his shoulder. After a moment I looked up at him and placed my hand on his cheek, moving my thumb back and forth. He leaned down slowly, yet so close I could feel his breath on my face. I moved my face to meet his and I no longer cared that I needed to be somewhere, all I could think about was the softness of his lips moving against mine. I pressed myself to him as he ran his hands down my back, I was beginning to feel breathless when it came to an end. He looked at him confused... and wanting more. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I don’t want you getting in trouble.” 

I let out a slow sigh, “You’re probably right.” 

He smiled at me and took my head, “Come on, I’ll walk you to your ship.”

* * *

He watched her leave and waited to go back in until he could no longer see her ship. Being there without her felt as though he were missing a part of himself. Her presence was everywhere; the sweet smell of her still lingering in the room, the blanket on the bed still pulled back from her getting out of bed and the black sweater that she clumsily folded on the dresser. He picked it up and smiled. 

_T_ _he past two days had changed them._ _ Before now, he wasn’t sure Rey would be able to do this, but she opened up to him, she let him see her. He thought he loved her, but after spending the last two days with her he realized that that wasn’t even comparable to the love he felt for her now. _


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It feels like it’s been forever since I last posted, I’ve had finals and then had to have a surgical procedure done last week so I kind of lost inspiration while dealing with the stress of all that. This chapter is a little less Reylo than the others but I felt that I needed to develop Rey’s life with the Resistance, while strengthening her and Ben’s force connection. Hopefully y’all enjoy it!

It had been three weeks since Ben and I had met on Naboo, though he still came to me through the force every night. The Resistance kept me busy, sending us all over the galaxy trying to make more allies and recruit anyone we could find that believed in our cause. As the days crept by I found myself drifting off more and more to my time spent on Naboo, the warm sun against the green grass, Ben’s hand sinking down my leg and between my thighs...

“Rey? Did you hear me?” Finns voice was lined with question and frustration.

“No, I missed that, what did you say?” He looked at me flatly, “You did it again. You’ve been so _weird_ lately.... Anyway, our mission has changed, there was a sighting of the Knights of Ren and we are the closest ones to their location, were supposed to try and find out what they’re doing.”

My eyes went wide and I could feel the color slightly drain from my face, “What?!” I said trying to hide the shock.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! I just wasn’t expecting that,” I nervously laughed trying my best to compose myself before continuing, “So, where are they? And is it just the knights or is the First Order with them?”

Poe cut in on the conversation, clearly knowing more of the details than Finn, “We were told they are on Felucia, which is... odd. There may be a few stormtroopers with them, but if we stay far enough away hopefully we don’t run into any altercations.”

I hummed aloud, taking in the information. _Please don’t be there._ The descent into Felucia was painfully slow. I began to get anxious and reached out with my mind, seeing if I could feel his presence. _Nothing_ , I thought, _but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, he could be further away_...

We landed in a small clearing among the jungle. “If our source is correct, then the Knights of Ren were last seen about four miles south of here,” Poe exclaimed as we made our way through the Falcon, “Chewie, I need you and BB-8 to stay here in case we need to make a hasty exit.”

Chewbacca made a few grunts in agreement before retreating into the freighter, no doubt looking for something to eat. BB-8 made a futile attempt at arguing with Poe before sadly rolling off to join Chewie.

The jungle was thick with vines that crossed in every direction between the trees, I led the way cutting through them with my light saber. About two-thirds of the way to the location it began to storm, completely soaking us. “This is absolutely great,” Finn yelled over the rain.

“You know what would be even better,” I snapped, “the knights finding us because you are complaining about a little rain.”

“There’s nothing little about this rai–“ he was cut short by a blast just barely missing him.

“GO BACK TO THE SHIP,” yelled Poe dodging blasts. Running through the vines while dodging the downpour of blasts became disorienting, trees seemed to explode all around and the shrill screeching of the blasters firing filled my ears, “REY THIS WAY, HURRY!”

I let the force take over my mind, showing me the way. I ran hard, my head was pounding and my breathing was ragged. We finally reached the ship with the sound of blasters firing in the distance and quickly made the jump out of there. I collapsed onto the floor of the Falcon from exhaustion, and had the strangest pressure at my side. Finn was by me in seconds, “Shit, Rey! You’re hurt!” I looked down to find my entire left side covered in blood. Finn tore my shirt so that it was out of the way and quickly found a clean cloth to apply pressure on the wound. “It’s okay,” I said in a weirdly high pitched voice, “it’s only a scratch.”

“Listen, I’m not trying to freak you out but you have a piece of a tree stuck in you.”

I looked down again and then dropped my head back down, “Huh, that’s weird. I wonder how it got there..” I could feel a familiar pull in my mind, “this really isn’t a good time” I said, my voice sounding far off.

“You don’t say,” replied Finn.

Ben looked at me in horror, “What happened?!”

“Oh this? Just a piece of a tree.” I nearly laughed but the movement brought a sharp pain causing me to grimace, “I think it’s just a flesh wound, don’t worry.”

Finn stopped what he was doing and gave me a look of pure confusion, “Uhhh Rey, I think you’re going into shock.. you should probably stop moving.. and talking.”

Ben shot him a look of distaste before focusing back on me. He kneeled down and stroked my hair, “I’m so sorry, I had no idea you’d be there.. they could’ve killed you,” he finished speaking barely above a whisper. His eyes were filled with pain and I could feel the anger and regret rolling off of him, “But they didn’t. I’m fine,” I whispered back, “You need to go, I promise I’m okay. Just come back to me tonight.”

Finn moved next to me, “Here hold this.” He picked up my hand and placed it around the wooded shrapnel so that I could keep the cloth on the wound, “I need to see how much longer we’ll be until we get the base,” he looked at me worriedly and moved his hands through Ben’s to gently move my hair back before quickly leaving in the direction of the cockpit.

“I should’ve killed him.”

“Stop,” I said with some strain. With my adrenaline gone, the pain was becoming overwhelming, making me dizzy.

“I’m not leaving you.”

“There’s nothing you can do, I’m not dying, they’ll just pull it out and stitch me up.” He grimaced but stubbornly stayed. I let out a slow, jagged sigh, “Ben, please...”

“We’re getting close, maybe fifteen minute away. Just hang on a little longer, Rey.”

I looked up at Ben and gave him a reassuring nod and closed my eyes.

* * *

He paced his room for what seemed like hours, the memory of Rey laying in her blood haunted him. He knew she wouldn’t die, but if that piece of wood would’ve been two inches more to the right...

 _I_ _t would’ve been your fault_ , said the sinister voice inside his mind, _you don’t deserve her_.

His anger flared out, he ignited his saber and began cutting into anything in his path.

 _How could she ever love you... my boy, let her go. She’s nothing but a distraction_.

He grabbed his head “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD,” he screamed, dropping his saber and falling to his knees. He stayed there for a few minutes until his breathing began to even out and he was sure the voice had gone. Someone cleared their throat behind him, “Sorry to interrupt Supreme Leader...”

“I can’t do this right now, Hux,” he said in a gruff voice.

“Your Knights have returned.”

He rose and swiftly walked over to his helmet, picking it up from where it had fallen and placed it on his head, “Very well” he uttered mechanically and strode past General Hux, angrily taking note of his smirking face.

They quickly walked through the Finalizer and entered the loading bay where the Knights of Ren waited. “We’re you able to locate it?” Kylo Ren asked impatiently.

“No,” said Trugen, “but we found someone who can.”

Ushar walked out of the Night Buzzard with his prisoner in tow before throwing him to the ground at Kylo’s feet. The Gossam dignifiedly straightened himself, “It doesn’t belong to you, Ren,” he spat, “we hid it so that power hungry dictators such as yourself wouldn’t find it.”

“We’ll see about that,” he said disdainfully before turning and leaving the bay. The second he made it to his quarters he whipped the helmet off and threw it across the room. He sank down onto his bed, his head throbbing.

 _Who am I_?

* * *

I had finally found a comfortable position to lay in but my head was still fuzzy from whatever medicine the doctor had given me when they removed the piece of wood from my side. I moved my blanket and pulled back my shirt to look at the stitches again and shuttered. _At least it’s over with_ , I sighed.

I couldn’t stand laying in bed not doing anything... unless Ben was with me. _Where is he_? Although I couldn’t see outside, I could tell it was late, all the busy movement and people coming and going to check on me had stopped.

I started to become worried, he had never been late to see me. I pondered over whether I had enough strength to go to him when I felt his presence through our bond. He had a look of torment on his face, “Ben, what’s wrong?”

He came and sat next to me on the bed and put his face in his hands. “Ben... talk to me.”

“I’m not good enough for you, Rey.” His words felt as if someone had punched me in the gut and sat there stunned trying to find the words to speak. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

“What?” I responded numbly.

“Ben, look at me.”

“I can’t,” he said quietly. “LOOK AT ME,” I yelled at him desperately. He slowly lifted his face from his hands and turn.

“No. I won’t have that,” I slowly started scooting towards him, trying not to aggravate my wound, and wrapped my arms around him. I laid my cheek on his back and found his hands, and held them tight, “you are good enough for me, Ben Solo and I don’t want to ever hear you say something like that again. If you’re blaming yourself for what happened, then stop.” He turned and faced me, he lifted my shirt to examine my freshly done stitches and then let my shirt fall back down with a sigh, letting out a barely audible whisper, “I’m so sorry, forgive me.” I reached out and stroked his cheek and whispered back, “there’s nothing to forgive.”

I crawled into his lap and let his embrace surround me. We stayed like that for a long time, letting the silence calmly wash over us yet holding each other tight as if the entire galaxy depended on it, _and maybe it did_ , I thought, _maybe not really the_ whole _galaxy, but for me... I needed him._ The realization nearly brought tears to my eyes, I slightly broke from his embrace and looked up at him and studied his face as if seeing him for the first time.

“What is it? Are you hurting?”

“No.. I’m okay. Ben, when can I see you again?”'

His dark eyebrows shot up with surprise, “Well, you know I can leave whenever I want so maybe you should ask yourself that,” he said with some humor in his voice. I closed my eyes trying to concentrate and slowly spoke, “I may need a few days to get it straightened out... and to heal a little more...” I began readjusting myself, the pain at my side had been slowly intensifying. I opened my eyes to find his full of concern, I softened my face not realizing that it had been so tensed from pain and continued, “I just want to _really_ see you.”

He slowly leaned down, kissing my forehead and lingered, “I want to really see you too.” I could feel his warm breath in my hair and for a moment I couldn’t feel the sharp burning coming from my side. He straightened himself and looked me over, “I think you need sleep, you’ve had a hard day and I can tell you’re in pain. Is anyone going to bring you something to ease the pain, surely _someone_ here would have enough foresight to know you’d be hurting again.”

I couldn’t help but giggle at his annoyance but as I did, a white hot pain shot through me and I inhaled sharply. “Maybe you’re right,” I grimaced while slowly moving up my bed to lay back down, “and they did _actually_ , there’s a capsule on my nightstand, could you get it for me?”

He quickly got up and gave it to me, along with my cup of water and helped me get comfortable. He carefully laid down beside me and stroked my hair. The capsule began taking affect quickly and I felt the pain subside and a fog of sleepiness coming over my mind. Before I allowed myself to succumb to a medicated sleep, I reached out, grabbing Ben’s hand and kissed it. I spoke dreamily and barely aware of what I was saying “I used to spend my nights wondering if there’s anyone in the galaxy that cares about me, if I done something to deserve being abandoned and forgotten... I don’t feel that way anymore.”

With that, I gave in to the heavy fog of exhaustion and let wash over me.

* * *

It had been nearly a week since the attack on Felucia and I was finally moving with more ease, especially since the stitches were dissolving. I moved through the Falcon and into the tiny kitchen and began rummaging through the food storage compartments. To my surprise, everything had been restocked and organized. I looked around the Falcon and could tell that someone had tried to tidy it up a bit.

I smiled to myself, touched by the small gesture. I settled on some of the jungle’s tropical fruit that was laying on the counter and a dehydrated meal pack. I ate quickly, trying to think of the last time I had taken the effort to make a real meal for myself. Feeling high spirited, I moved to the restroom and turned on the shower. It was a tightly fit area, I often wondered how an adult man was ever able to actually use the thing. I got in and my body immediately relaxed at the touch of the hot water, I closed my eyes and let my head fall back, relishing the feel of water on my skin.

The peaceful moment diminished with a loud familiar voice, “Rey?!” My stomach tightened at Finn’s tone, I could tell by the tone that he had just heard the news that I would be leaving again.

“One sec, I’m in the shower,” I yelled back to him. _I should’ve told him myself_ , I thought lamely. I thought back to the first time I had told him and Poe that I would be leaving without them and it didn’t go over so well, so I could only imagine how this would be, especially so soon after a being impaled by a piece of wood. My body stiffened and my eyes flew open, _not only that but it had only been about four weeks since I last went to Naboo. They won’t make this easy._

I took my time finishing my shower, trying to delay the inevitable before finally turning the water off and gently drying my skin. I dressed in a sandy colored plain shit with my usual tan leggings and put my hair up into three loose buns. “Okay,” I exhaled with a mumble, “lets get this over with.”

I nearly tiptoed out of the bathroom and down the hall to the small sitting area attached to the kitchen. “Well, there she is! I was starting to wonder if you slipped and hit your head,” exclaimed Poe, his voice oozing with sarcasm.

I smiled brightly at him, “That would’ve been less painful than this.”

“Probably so...” Finn cut in, “Rey, what are you doing? The first time you needed to go to this mysterious place, which, let’s not forget, you didn’t tell us where it is or why you needed to go, we understood. We may have given you a hard time, but we get it, sometimes we have things we’ve got to do on our own. But we were told– not by you, that you’re leaving again? Why?” He stood very still, his face full of concern and agitation.

“We just want to understand why we can’t go with you or even just get some basic information on why you have to leave, plus you were just hurt...” I looked to Poe who quickly looked down and feigned interest to the dejarik table and brought my attention back to Finn. His dark eyes looked sad and the guilt of having to lie to them hit me hard.

 _I’m sorry, Finn_. I straightened my posture and did my best to hide any traces of guilt on my face, “I would tell you... it’s just... complicated.”

“You said that last time,” Poe said in a matter of fact tone.

I let out a loud sigh, “I know, I know. It’s just something I have to do–“ I paused for a moment to think. I wanted to stay as close to the truth as I could without giving away too much. I momentarily bit my bottom lip and continued, “I think it’s something that I’m meant to do, I don’t really understand it.. but please know, I don’t enjoy keeping this from either of you.”

They both seemed to soften with that, but it wasn’t enough to completely convince them. I knew they trusted me and for now this explanation would have to do. “When do you leave?” Finn asked quietly.

“Tonight...”

“Tonight?!” The irritation was back in Finn’s voice but he tried to recompose himself and took a deep breath, “When will you be back?”

“A few days, just like last time. I promise, it’ll be okay.”

“It’s not like we would know if things went bad, we don’t even know where you’re going,” Poe said with a mumble that was meant to be heard.

“Stop,” I said with an exaggerated eye roll, “Nothing bad will happen. I just know it.”

* * *

After leaving Ajun Kloss’s atmosphere and making the jump to light speed, I couldn’t help but think of my friends I was leaving behind. _If they knew what I was really doing they would never forgive me_. I pushed that thought away with a deep sigh.

I had about five hours to kill before I made it to Naboo and the boredom of a lone flight was getting the better of me so I decided to find Ben through our force connection. My mind buzzed and the sound of the X-wing’s engine began to fade away.

“Are you okay?” Ben said with worry.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I was just bored and wanted to talk to you... what are you doing?” I said with a coy smile. _Maybe I should start more force connections, he always seems to jump to the worst case scenario when I do it randomly_.

“Oh, you know, just flying to see you,” he said while raising his eyebrows up and down in a fluid motion.

“Oh my maker,” I said with a burst of laughter while covering my face, “what was that?” “What? You mean this?” He asked while doing it again, this time with a wide smile. “Stop! What are you doing?!” I was laughing so hard my sides were starting to hurt.

“Getting the mood right, obviously. It’s okay Rey, I know my charm can be overwhelming,” he said, his voice thick with humor.

“My, my, someone is cheeky today.”

“Just for you,” he said in a soft, deep voice. His face seemed to glow with such tenderness that I couldn’t help but think there was more to it... something I was too scared to name for the fear of being wrong. I couldn’t give myself false hope that this was becoming more than what I had initially thought.. I couldn’t do that to myself. His dark eyes sharpened on mine as if hearing my conflicted thoughts, studying me as if trying to find the right words to say.

“How’s your side?”

I breathed an internal sigh of relief, thankful to change the subject. “Not bad, whatever you gave me the other night seemed to have really sped up the healing process. I really appreciate it, I was getting really sick of having to hobble around.”

“No, we can’t have any hobbling going on,” he said with amusement.

“Did you have a good day today?” I asked, feeling a little silly but nonetheless curious.

He smiled, “Aside from being a few hours from seeing you? Ah, no. Not really.”

He didn’t seem too upset so I tried prying further, “Care to elaborate?”

He snickered a little, “I spend most of the day dealing with the most... insufferable man. I swear, had I spent another hour dealing with him rambling on I would have purposely fallen on my saber.”

I tried to suppress my smile imagining him flustered. “So why do you deal with him?”

“Well, General Hux has his uses.. unfortunately. But, gods, the man is a weasel. I truly can’t stand him.”

“Hmm well I guess it’s a good thing I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting him.”

“You aren’t missing anything. Did you have a good day?”

I felt my face slightly fall, “Uh, it was okay, I guess,” I said weakly. Ben’s eyebrows rose and he shook his head, “Right, sounds like it.” I hesitated but gave him a small smile, “Poe and Finn weren’t happy that I was leaving. They don’t understand why I can’t tell them anything.”

His face hardened, “They shouldn’t question you. You’re more than capable of making your own decisions without them having to hold your hand.”

“They know that.. I think. They just care about me.”

“I think a little too much,” Ben muttered. I let out a laugh, “Ben Solo are you jealous?”

“Oh come on Rey, there’s no way you can’t see that Finn is totally in love with you.”

I crunched my nose, “No actually, he’s not.”

“Yeah, okay” he said with a sarcastic laugh. I rolled my eyes, “You don’t need to be jealous, I wouldn’t fly out of my way and lie to my friends if I didn’t want to be with yo–,” I stopped myself with wide eyes. I was too scared to give too much away. In truth, I had been confused about my growing feelings for Ben. I knew it was wrong, he might be sweet, caring Ben solo to me but he was still supreme leader Kylo Ren and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. But when I look into his soft, beautiful brown eyes I felt as though I had found exactly where I belonged. “

You were saying?” He asked with that smile that warmed me to the core.

I blushed deeply and fumbled with my words, “Uh, well, you know what I mean.”

He spoke quietly, “I do.”

I looked up at him, grateful that he hadn’t pried anymore and smiled warmly at him. We talked for a while about frivolous things, filling in the time before his attention became diverted to a beeping from his ship, “I’m about to be approaching Naboo, how much longer until you’ll be here?”

I checked my navigational device– two hours and fifty three minutes to go. “Nearly three hours,” I said with restlessness, “and I brought some food with me this time,” I added with a smile.

Ben smiled back, “I’m glad one of us remembered... I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon.”

Our connection ended and I was left with three hours of going on and on to myself thinking of how ridiculous it was to consider that I might actually be falling in love with Ben Solo. As I came out of light speed and saw the planet of Naboo, knowing I was so close to Ben, I knew without a doubt that I was.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s taken so long for this! I’ll probably only be able to post once a month since I’m *still* in college and have two kids (free time for writing outside of assignments is a hard thing to find.) The good news is I have the whole story planned out and can’t wait to continue with it. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy❤️❤️❤️

I landed on the grassy plain next to Ben’s TIE fighter and could see his silhouette cast from the moonlight. My heart began to race as I quickly got out of the X-wing and found my self running to him. The second we made contact with each other, it was as if we molded into each other, his embrace was made to encompass my body, his lips belonged to mine. He pulled away with an airy laugh, “I’ve missed you.”

Still breathless from the intensity of our reunion all I could muster was “Yeah, me too,” in a raspy voice.

“Do you have much in your ship?” He asked while already heading in the direction of it. “Just some clothes and food packets.” He stopped and turned to me with a smile that nearly melted me where I stood, “I didn’t actually forget about food, I learn quickly after all,” he said with a wink that made me giggle. He turned and continued to my ship “No, we will not be eating rehydrated food, I have a million things I want you to try,” he said with an excited tone.

He reached my ship and not needing all the steps, stretched to get my bags. I noted that the motion exaggerating his tall, muscular figure, sending a warm shiver through my body. He walked back to me with with giddiness and took my hand, “Let’s go inside.” I could feel the excitement in him building as we approached the door, he dropped my hand and opened the door for me and stood back to see see my reaction. I stood in the doorway wide eyed, taking in the meticulous care he had put in to the little cabin. It was warmly lit, letting off an aura of serenity and was filled with the delicious smell of roasted meat and vegetables. When we had been here before, it had been plain with basic furniture, bare walls and a skeleton of a kitchen. The kitchen located on the far left wall had a newly built rack filled with different colored spiced, new shelves with a few plates, bowls and cooking necessities and a vase on the windowsill over the sink that held a beautiful bouquet of freshly put wild flowers. The small dining table was now covered with a dark navy cloth with an intricate pattern made from thick, golden-colored thread and held the source of the savory smell. The dresser next to the bed on the far right held two more vases of flowers at each end, and several wax candles between them. I slowly turned to him and looked deep into his dark, brown eyes, “Ben... you did all this for me?” He shrugged his shoulders and lowered his eyes before moving inside the cabin, “It’s not much,” he said quickly, “I should’ve done more, I–“

I cut him off before he could continue bashing the beauty at what he had done, “Ben, it’s perfect. No one has ever done anything so thoughtful for me. Thank you.” I could feel myself beaming at him. 

"Yeah, well, I figured since we’d be coming here it should like, uh, homey-er.” I could see a very slight flush on his face, I closed my lips tightly to fight a smile at it and all but floated towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist, “It’s perfect.”

“Not completely,” he said slightly pulling away to look down at me, “I thought we could go to the village tomorrow and you could pick whatever you wanted for it,” he said blushing a little harder.

“Why are you so good to me,” I asked, not wanting to add a serious tone to the moment but genuinely curious. Ben Solo is funny and sweet, thoughtful and.. blushes, which is something he’s never done in front of me before. It made me sad to think everyone in the galaxy thought of him as a heartless monster when, as I’m getting to know him, I’m finding that that was simply untrue.

I could feel him tense a little in my arms, clearly the question was unexpected. “You deserve it,” he said quietly, his eyes nearly burning with that same look he had during our force connection on our way here.

“I do believe you’re blushing, sir,” I said trying to ease back into a lighter conversation and also for the simple face that I couldn’t help myself any longer.

Ben pulled me back into his chest, “You make me nervous,” he said breathing into my hair, “I just want you to be happy... with me.” His words sent my heart into my stomach and an instant smile spread across my face. I nuzzled further into his chest, “You have no idea.”

My stomach decided to use this moment to growl extraordinarily loud. “We should probably eat, I’m sure it’s completely cold by now,” he said with amusement before kissing my head.

I wasn’t sure if I should be damning my stomach for breaking our embrace or consider it a blessing for getting me out of a conversation that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Ben pulled out the wooden chair for me and I raised my eyebrows “Oh, a gentleman too? Will wonders ever cease?” I said joking with him.

“At your service,” he said moving his eyebrows the same way he had done earlier. I laughed while shaking my head and obliged to sit. He sat across from me, his face full of content. I had meant to savor my food but old habits die hard and I quickly devoured the food, paying no attention to the impressed look on Ben’s face. “This is amazing,” I said finally slowing down, “You know, you could be a chef if you were busy with other things.” I knew that we had made a pact to not speak of our differences in opinions on the welfare of the galaxy, but I couldn’t help making tiny sarcastic jabs every now and then.

“That would be too easy,” he said before leaning forward with a small grin, “and I’d loose my title as biggest asshole in the galaxy.”

I let out a burst of laughter in surprise, but quickly composed myself as his words sank in. “People wouldn’t hate you if they knew you. If they could see who I see.”

“Unfortunately for them, you’re the only person I’ve ever met that I actually find tolerable.”

“Oh, tolerable am I?”

His eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open, “No, no, that’s not what I meant! It’s just... I’ve never been able to connect with anyone, and I’ve never felt that I’ve needed to.. then I met you. And there’s something special about being with you, like I can be who I’m meant to be when I’m with you.”

I reached across the table and grabbed his hand in mine, “Then be with me.”

His eyes danced between mine and I could feel the deep pain and yearning inside him so intense that I had to fight the tears beginning to swell in my eyes. “I can’t.” He said in a deep voices, “I’ve done too much. And the ones that care for you.. I don’t want to ruin that for you.” He suddenly withdrew his hand and got up to clean up the remnants of dinner.

“Ben–“

He cut in speaking over his shoulder as he placed the dishes in the sink and began to rinse them off, “Please. I can’t talk about this, it already plagues me when we are apart, and what’s worse is I know it’s my fault.”

I got up and went to him leaning on the counter, “You know we’ll have to talk about this eventually.”

He looked over at me with a side glance, “Just not tonight.”

I sighed, “Okay.” I stretched my arms and let out an accidental yawn. Suddenly the length of my day hit me and I rubbed my eyes, “What time is it?”

He shut the water off and turned towards me but didn’t make eye contact, “Probably four or five hours until sunrise.”

I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist, “Come on, let’s go to bed.” I felt him nod in response. I could feel guilt swimming all around him, I looked up at him, “Look at me,” I said quietly. Ben let out a sigh and looked down, “It’ll be okay. We’ll figure something out.” I stepped back, grabbing his hand, giving it a small kiss before letting it go and walked towards the bed. I started undressing, feeling his eyes on me and I smiled to myself. I slowly crawled in bed and turned to him with raised eyebrows, “You coming?”

He swallowed hard and undressed where he stood. I couldn’t help but marvel at his body, I’d never realized how graceful he was with every movement he made, so smooth and calculated. His bare chest seemed to call to my hands, which ached to touch him. He walked over and laid down beside me with a smile on his face that matched the look in his eyes. He placed his hand on the side of my face, completely covering it and whispered, “No matter how many times I lay next to you, I’ll never get over the thrill it gives me,” I smiled to him, laying one of my legs over his side and pulled him closer. “The feel of you in my arms,” He moved his hand to my side, rhythmically stroking my ribs. “The touch of your skin on mine,” I moved my face closer to his, the feeling of his warm breath on my face and the sound of his deep voice becoming intoxicating. He kissed me deeply, breathing in slowly and opening his mouth, inviting my tongue to his. We pressed our bodies together, wrapping our arms around the other. He parted his lips from mine and breathlessly whispered, “I don’t ever want to stop.” I looked into is deep brown eyes and whispered back, “Then don’t.”

* * *

I awoke to Ben kissing my neck and his hands floating down my body and in between my thighs. I let out a gasp with the contact of his fingers. They started off slowly, moving in and out before becoming a rhythmic motion within. My chest rose and fell hard, _I needed him_ _now_. I went to roll over and face him but he let out an urgent whisper in my ear, “No, stay like that that.” He moved his hand from inside me and traced his way up my ribs and to my breast, slowly massaging it.

“Ben,” I moaned, “Please.”

He kissed the nape of my neck which filled me with a hungry fire, starved for his touch. He moved to the side of my neck, softly sucking, his hair tickling my cheek. I arched my back, moving my hips, begging with my body for him to take me. I could feel a smile growing on his face, he reached for my thigh and moved it over his and slid inside. He let out a deep groan as I exhaled sharply. I reached behind me, grabbing his thigh and moved with him. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and moved me so that I was laying flat, I held onto his wrists and arched my back, letting him in deeper. He rested his forehead on the back of my head, his warm, ragged breathing intensifying the pleasure. His body began to tense and his movement faster and harder. I could feel my body about to burst and held on as long as I could before succumbing, letting the feeling completely wash over me.

Ben fell onto me, kissing the back of my shoulder, my neck and then my cheek. He rolled over with his eyes closed and sighed “Good morning,” with a satisfied smile.

I looked over at him while still laying on my stomach and smiled up at him, still feeling the flush in my cheeks, “Morning.”

He reached out, brushing the hair that had fallen in my face behind my ear, sending a small chill through me with the feeling of his finger tips grazing my cheek. His eyes grew bright with that but he did not move, “How’d you sleep?”

“Like the dead,” I responded and rolled to my side. He let out a small chuckle, “What about you?” I asked with the sound of sleepiness still thick in my voice.

“I always sleep good when you’re next to me, it’s very refreshing.”

“Refreshing?”

“I usually don’t sleep much.”

“Why’s that?”

Ben let out a small hum, and I could see by the way he slightly squinted his eyes and licked his lips that he was thinking of a response that he could tell me that walked the line between the truth and the promise we made not to talk about our other lives. He turned his attention back to me as if he had forgotten I was there, he seemed to study the shape of me before focusing on my hands on his and spoke quietly, “I have a lot of responsibilities, obviously. But I’ve been... distracted lately,” he turned his gaze to mine, “and I don’t know what to do about it.”

I dropped his hand and placed mine on his cheek, slowly moving my fingertips back and forth, “Just go with it.”

A tiny smile cracked through his somber demeanor, “Fluidity is not something I’m good at.”

“Sure it is! You came to me on Ajun Kloss out of no where, and you never really gave me a true answer as to why...”

I could see a slight blush come to his cheeks and bit my lip to keep myself from smiling. He rolled onto his back with a burst of laughter while covering his face with his hands, “Okay, I’m going to make breakfast, are you hungry?”

“Evading the question, I see,” I said with a sly smile.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he leaned over giving me a quick kiss and began dressing.

“Well, at least you don’t look completely Supreme Leader-ish... still, it’s a lot of black.”

He gave me a roguish sort of smile, “It suits me.”

 _It does_ , I thought to myself. Even in a simple black t-shirt with loose fitting black pants, he was heart-stoppingly perfect. I rolled onto my back and kicked of the covers with a big stretch, “I guess I could go for something to eat.” I looked to Ben to find the playfulness gone from his face, “What is it?”

He sat down on the edge of the bed, though still facing me, “I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I forgot you’re still hurt... I hope I didn’t.. hurt you earlier,” he said, trailing off lamely.

I looked down to the red mark at my side, “This? No, I’m fine, it hardly even hurts.”

He let out a disgruntled sigh, “But I hadn’t asked if you were okay.”

I sat up and crawled over to him, “You can make it up to me by making breakfast,” I said with a wink. He quickly gathered me into his arms and put me on his lap, “Anything else?” I looked at him and fought a sly smile, “I’m sure I’ll think of _something_.” He smiled back, “I’m a

t your complete disposal and happy to be there.”

* * *

It was midday when we set off for the village. We walked slowly, or rather, Ben walked slowly and I walked at normal pace to keep up with his long strides. The walk there was beautiful, the gravelly road seemed to be surrounded by a sea of knee high grass and the air around us was warm yet crisp with freshness. As we approached the village, loud music, cheering and overall merriness could be heard.

Ben and I gave each other a side glance in mixed confusion, unsure of what was going on but continued on. The little village was a bustling place the last time we were here, but this type of energy radiating from it was something entirely different. The closer we got, the more we realized there was some sort of large festivities being held. We reached the village to see what looked like a never ending movement of beings, the majority of which wearing bright colors with exquisite designs. The aroma of baking bread, spices and roasting meats filled the air. I looked at Ben confused, “Do you know what’s going on?”

“No, I have no– actually..” he paused for a second looking around, “I think it’s the Festival of Light.”

“Oh,” I said feeling even more confused, “Uh, what’s the festival of light?”

He looked at me apologetically, “Right, sorry, it’s a holiday from when Naboo joined the Republic..” he trailed off by the end of his sentence. He briefly starred off before a long, mischievous smile spread across his face, “it’s a little ironic for me to be watching it now.”

I hummed out loud with disfavor. He ignored me continuing on, “It’ll continue on through the night. This whole place,” he said with growing excitement, gesturing around us, “will be filled with lanterns, followed by a light show in the sky. What are the chances that we’re here for it,” he said with a suppressed smile.

“You knew!”

“I swear, I had no idea. I’ve only seen it once and that was probably before you were even born.”

I blushed at that and looked away mumbling, “I doubt that.”

He looked over at me curiously, “How old are you?”

“Twenty” I said proudly. He stopped walking and turned gawking at me, “That’s it?!”

I laughed, “Well yeah... why?”

He continued on, “Then you definitely weren’t born when I saw it it last. I’d assumed you were a little older than that, though.” I eyed him suspiciously, “Well, how old are you?”

“Thirty.”

It was my turn for the gawking. “Thirty” I repeated, thinking out loud.

“Is that a bad thing?” He asked cautiously.

“No..” I looked up at him, “it’s not.”

He looked down at me, our gaze taking in the other and slowly moved his hand to mine. Through our touch, there was a sudden burst of energy; a connection between us that consumed everything, overwhelming the senses to where it were as if we were the only ones around. We stood there in the middle of the bustling festival and yet all I could see was him and he was the only person who mattered.

He stared at me, awestruck, reaching with his other hand to gently touch my cheek with his fingertips, moving down my cheek bone and to my chin. As fast as the moment came, it went. Our surroundings sharpened and I realized that my heart was pounding.

I started walking, Ben’s hand still in mine, “So what is there to do at this Festival of Lights?” I asked. I didn’t want to bring up what had just happened, I didn’t know if he had felt what I felt and the thought of asking made me feel too vulnerable.

An odd look crossed his face but was quickly hidden, “From what I remember, people bring goods and different foods to sell, there’s music and dancing and all kinds of artisans come and they’ll make you stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“I guess it just depends on the artisan,” he said mischievously, hearing the growing excitement in my voice.

I gave him a side eye, “Your description is overwhelming,” I said with a sarcastic flatness.

He smiled at that, “I think stuff like pottery, or they’ll paint pictures or portraits–“ “

Let do that!” I exclaimed, cutting him off.

“Do what?”

“I want to see them paint portraits, I’ve never seen it done before.”

His eyes softened and he squeezed my hand, “Okay, let’s go find them.”

* * *

  
  


After looking around for a bit, and getting sidetracked by objects on vendor carts and sampling different foods, we finally found a portrait painter, nearly done with her current subjects. He was an amphibious looking creature, like the one I had seen the first time we had came to the village. He worked quickly, with steady brush strokes. The results were extraordinary, capturing every small detail of the people he was painting perfectly.

“That’s amazing,” I murmured to myself.

“Thanken yousa, would yousa liken mesa to painten yousa,” the creature asked in a high pitched singsong voice.

I blinked at him, momentarily stunned by the unexpected pitch of his voice.

“We’d love to,” Ben said before I had time to regain myself.

I gaped at him, “You’re serious?!”

He smiled at me, “Do you want to?”

“Well... yeah, I just didn’t expect to get one done of me. I was fine with just watching.”

“You know you don’t have to,” he said trying to sound nonchalant. “No, no! I want to!” I said with a little too much enthusiasm.

“Dalee, all finished. Have a nice day!” The creature handed the portrait over to his customer and then turned to us, “Have yousa decided?”

“Yes,” I said with a wide smile, “we’d be more than happy to.” As we walked to our chairs I quickly whispered to Ben, “Do you know what he is?”

“A Gungan,” he quickly responded before we took our seats in front of him.

“Now den. Namen Bask Tig. Me just needen yousa to relaxen and interact liken yousa normally would. When me see da right moment, I’ll begin to painten.”

Ben and I looked at each other confused before turning back to Bask Tig, “Can we talk or are we supposed to stay still,” I asked hesitantly. “Do yous usually talken,” he asked lightheartedly.

I blushed and smiled at him sheepishly, “Well, yes..”

“Den talken away,” he happily exclaimed.

I glanced up at Ben and could still feel the pink on my cheeks and he looked down at me with a smile, “Are you blushing?”My eyes turned wide and the retreating pink on my cheeks rekindled to a deep red. “How was I supposed to know, I’ve never even seen a painting being done.”

“He did say to interact normally.” I rolled my eyes mumbling, “Yeah, yeah,” and turned my attention back to Bask Tig, “Oh! I didn’t notice you had started, will we have messed you up since we’ve moved since you started?”

The Gungan laughed, “You’re fine, me have a great memory. Yousa can moven around, it won’t take longo per mesa to finish.” I shrugged, “Alrighty,” I turned back to Ben, “This is a lot easier than I thought it would be.”

He laughed, “This is far from the usual experience. Most portrait painters want you to be as still as a statue.”

“Well, I’m glad I got this experience instead.”

He grasped my hand and kissed the back of it, “Me too.”

* * *

After some time of watching the on goers of the festival, I was startled out of my focus to Bask Tig’s cheerful voice, “All finished! hair yousa gos!” He handed me the portrait and I gasped at the sight. The picture was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. Bask Tig had perfectly captured the likeness of us. Looking at the portrait, I could nearly relive the moment and practically felt the pinkness on my cheeks as he had painted it. I looked over myself, surprised to see a look of elegance about me and smiled at the sight. I furrowed my brows at my face, I was glowing. I had a slight pink to my cheeks and my eyes seemed to radiate warmth and yearning and... love. I followed my gaze to find Ben’s. My heart squeezed at the sight of Ben’s face and the way he looked as he looked down at me. His dark hair was slightly in his face but not enough to where I couldn’t see his eyes; his beautiful brown eyes holding mine with such tenderness, I felt as though I could melt in them. And his small smile that makes the dimple on his cheek show.

“What does yousa think?” I snapped back into reality. I hadn’t realized I was on the verge of crying so I quickly fought the lump in my throat and the swelling tears in my eyes, “This is beyond what I could’ve imagined, thank you, Bask Tig.” I couldn’t help myself and I threw my arms around the Gungan, “Thank you.”

“Oh! well I’m glad yousa liken it!”

I let go of him and he took the painting from me and put it in a protector before giving it back, “Me hopen yousa have a nice day.”

* * *

It was growing later, the heat of the day was growing crisp and the far of sound of crickets began to make themselves known. Ben and I quietly walked through the crowd of beings, every so often bumping into each other as we passed through a densely crowded spot. “I didn’t even ask if you saw the picture,” I said as we walked. “

I did, he’s a true master artisan. You looked beautiful.” I looked down trying to hide my blush and let out a nervous laugh, “Well, thanks.”

“You really are.” I looked up at him to find his eyes matching those from the painting and smiled. I held out my hand to him and we continued walking. “Where to now?”

“I have one more stop in mind and I think by the time we’re done with that, the light show should begin.”

I could feel the excitement grow within me and I squeezed his hand with giddiness. We zig zagged through the crowd and ended at the outskirts of the festival, where there stood an open area filled with different sizes of pottery of all colors and designs. Surrounding the pottery were stands that held a vast collection of plants. A huge grin spread across my face and I turned to Ben, holding his hand to my chest, “I can pick one?”

“You can pick as many as you want.” I let go of his hand and let out a small squeal of delight before carefully inspecting the plants. Every now and then I would turn to Ben, who stood back with his arms crossed and a warm smile on his face. After much deliberation, I finally decided on two. Ben paid the vendor while I gently caressed the plants I held in my arms. “Give them here,” he said with a smile. I traded the plants to him for the portrait and let out a content sigh.

“Where are we going to put these?” He asked holding up the plants in question with an eyebrow arched.

“Hmmm... well, that one” I said pointing to the one who’s vibrant green vines cascaded over the pot, “Can be hung in the corner above our bed. I think the window can give it plenty of sunlight. And that one...” I said turning my attention to the mid-sized, mosaic pot that housed flowers of deep purples and reds, “Let’s see, that one can go in the corner next to the dresser.. no wait, actually I want it in the kitchen next to the counter.” I smiled to myself thinking of the tiny house gaining some liveliness to it, “and the portrait will go on the wall above the dresser.“

“Sounds lovely,” he murmured.

His words caught me off guard and I looked up to find his soft gaze resting on my face, “It does.”

The ever recurring thought bubbles back into my mind, _How is this the same man who controls the First Order? Surely Kylo Ren doesn’t use the word ‘lovely,’ or get portraits done and go out of his way to make someone else happy. Why is he doing this for me? Why is he Ben for me?_ Loud booms began to fill the air and pulled me from my thoughts and I let out a startled gasp. He grinned a little and readjusted the pots in his arms, “The fireworks are starting, come on, let’s find a good spot.”

* * *

It took a little longer than he had anticipated to find a spot that was secluded enough from other people, yet had a good view of the of the light show. They had gone a little outside of the village and found a clearing in the field that was apparently good enough because Rey ungracefully plopped down and sat with her legs crossed and eyes wide towards the sky. He felt his heart squeeze at the sight of her, the blues, greens and reds reflecting from the lights in the sky and onto her face was more beautiful than any light show could ever hope to be. He gently placed the pots down and sat next to her. The night was becoming cool, but the heat coming off of her body ignited something deep within his own, his hand slightly shook and he placed it in his lap.

 _The day had been perfect_ , Ben thought, _though any day spent with her was something he considered to be a gift_. He reflected on everything they had done and paused when he thought of the brief moment in the middle of the village. _It had felt as if my love for her had surrounded us_. He wondered if it was the force’s doing, if it had caused his feelings to be almost tangible around them. _Why didn’t she say anything abou_ –

“How do they do this?!” Rey’s voice rang out above his thoughts.

“Hmm? Oh! Uh, I’m not really sure.. it’s cool though isn’t it?”

She laughed back, “That’s an understatement.”

He could feel a slight burn pass over his cheeks and thanked the force that it was too dark for her to see. He would rather fall on his saber than have her see him blush twice in one day. “Just imagine, this is a much smaller scale than the festival held in Theed.” Her eyes grew wider in awe as she looked at the sky and then to him, her beautiful lips parting into a smile as she shook her head, “I don’t think my mind could handle more than this, it’s amazing.”

He scooted closet to her so that their legs were touching and wrapped an arm around her waist. She laid her head on his shoulder and he prayed that the sound of the fireworks and cheers were louder than the pounding of his heart in his chest.

* * *

After an hour or so the lights in the sky stopped and the crowd began to disperse but we remained in the field, listening to the sound of the crickets and the breeze blowing through the grass. I looked up at Ben to find him staring thoughtfully up at the moon. “Does being here make you happier?”

His face slightly changed but he continued to look to the moon. He breathed deeply then closed his eyes and laid back in the grass, “It’s peaceful here,” he said with his eyes still closed, “but it’s not the reason why I’m happy.”

“What is it then?” I asked, now looking down at him.

His eyes opened and settled softly on my face, “You are.” He closed his eyes again as if he didn’t want to see my reaction.

I paused for a moment before I quietly leaned down and kissed him. I felt the surprise pass through him as our lips met and then melt away as the intensity of it began to rise, leaving us clinging to each other and breathing heavily into each others mouths.

“Hey!” Came an unfamiliar voice, knocking us out of our trance, “None of that here, this is a respectable community!”

I laughed into his mouth and grabbed his hands. “Let’s go home.”

He looked at me with a questioning smile and sat up, “Home?”

“Yeah, well.. yeah. It feels like home here.”

I stood and extended my arm to help Ben up, as he stood he pulled me close to him and kissed the top of my head, “Let’s go home.”

* * *

It was late by the time we got to the cabin, but Ben made it a point to put the plants in the exact place I had told him earlier and nodded with a smile, “They do add something to this place.”

I was so tired I hardly had time to appreciate the look of the place with our newest additions before undressing and crawling into bed, I hummed in agreement while quietly thanking the force for the comfort this bed was giving my now sore muscles, “They do. Thank you, for them.”

He began turning the lights off and undressed in the dark before getting in bed and scooping me up into his arms. I closed my eyes and could feel sleep quickly approaching when his deep, quiet voice interrupted its approach, “Rey, look.”

I opened my eyes to see a dim glow coming from the corner of the room nearest our bed, “It’s glowing! Did you know it would do that?!” I asked in a wondrous disbelief.

Ben took in the glow of the plants and then looked back at me, “Ah, no, actually. You see,” he said leaning in closer to me with his mischievous smile widening, “I’m not really a flora expert.”

I rolled my eyes and turned my focus back to the plant, “It’s beautiful. It reminds me of the cave you showed me.” I could feel his body relax at the remembrance of the cave. “It’s like our own little piece of it,” I said dreamily.

He pulled me closer and I placed my head on his chest and listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat as if it were a secret lullaby meant just for me and felt the steady rise and fall of his chest, rocking me to sleep. As I was nearing the edge of sleep, I heard him whisper out, “Good night, sweetheart,” and fell asleep in the serenity of his arms.


	6. VI: Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like parts of this chapter were a little choppy, but I just love them so much. I decided last minute to make this chapter two parts and thankfully most of the second part is already done. Thanks for reading❤️

It was close to daybreak when I woke up. I kept my eyes closed, reluctant to wake up so early and reached around trying to find Ben, but was met with empty space. I opened my eyes to find that my sleepy mind was correct and he was, in fact, not there. The cabin was still dark aside from the dim glow of our plant coming from the corner and there was no noise from any movement inside. I slowly sat up and stretched before moving the blankets away and stepped quietly out of bed. I dressed in the dark, picking out a simple light grey shirt and charcoal colored leggings.

I glided through the cabin in the dark and to the sink, filling a glass of water and stood there quietly drinking my water, thinking of the possibilities today held for me. A small, dim light coming from the edge of the forest caught my eye and I quickly finished my water, while keeping my eye on the unmoving light. I placed the empty glass on the counter and moved silently toward the door, opening it slowly to not make a sound. 

It was still cool out, the chanting of insects and frogs could be heard from all directions. The sky was still in the full darkness of night, yet the horizon held the promise that daylight would be coming soon. The light at the forests edge drew me in like a moth to a flame and feel the feel of Ben’s presence grew in my mind . I was finally close enough to be able to see his dimly lit silhouette, sitting cross legged in the grass and I stopped to watch him. I could feel the energy of the force buzzing around him, I closed my eyes and opened myself to it. 

I could feel the life of the forest around us, the animals of the night making their preparations for sleep, the flowers in the field ready to bloom at the first touch of daylight. I moved my awareness to Ben and could see him as clearly as if I were standing right in front of him. He sat straight with his hands in his lap and head bowed down, causing his dark hair to flow neatly in his face. I could tell that his eyes were closed and he was breathing slowly, deep in concentration. I knew immediately after finding him that he could feel my presence. He continued unmoving for a few more seconds before letting out one final deep exhale and opened his eyes. His break from the force triggered me to loose my hold on it and I began to start walking towards him again. 

“What are you doing our here?” I asked while resting my hand on his shoulder. 

He looked up at me and smiled, “Meditating.”

“Oh. Right, sorry I interrupted.”

“It’s okay, I was nearly finished anyway.”

“I didn’t know you meditated?” It meant to be more of a statement rather than a question, but I wanted to know more about him, the longer we spent together the more I learned that Ben Solo was a truly complex person and I found myself longing to know everything there was to know about him. 

He shifted around so that his back was no longer facing me, “I do around this time every day. It’s when the galaxy seems to be at its quietist.” 

I cocked my head at him, “So you do this even while we’re here?” He leaned forward while still looking up at me and spoke softly yet thick with humor, “Every morning.” 

I laughed picturing him sneaking out of bed every morning and me being completely unaware, “I can’t believe I’ve never noticed.” His eyebrows rose high and I could tell that he was trying to suppress a laugh, “I’m pretty sure an entire fleet could fly by and it wouldn’t wake you up.”

I fell to my knees and pushed on his chest trying to knock him over, “Whatever,  I do not sleep that hard!” I let out a squeal of a laugh as his arms wrapped around me and pulled me into his lap. “Oh, you do and you know it,” he said between chuckles. I let my head fall back on his forearm in defeat, “Fine, I might be a deep sleeper–“ 

“Yeah, if you slept any deeper you’d be dead,” Ben cut me off with another laugh. My mouth fell open with a shocked smile, “You wound me,” I said jokingly. My curiosity got the better of me and I couldn’t help but ask, “So, why have you never told me that you get up this early to meditate?”

“I enjoy this time to myself... not that I don’t enjoy being with you,” he added quickly, “It’s just peaceful for me. And I love coming back to bed with you still sleeping. I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings,” he trailed off. 

“Ben, I’m not a delicate little flower. You wanting your own space doesn’t hurt my feelings,” I paused and reached for my favorite spot to touch and slowly moved my fingers up and down his cheek, “I’m glad you have something for yourself that makes you happy.” 

His face softened and I could feel that he had something to say, yet he settled with a simple “Thank you,” instead. “And just so we’re clear, I’m  fully  aware that you’re not  delicate,”  he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and a grin slowly spread on his face, “at least not while you’re awake anyway.” 

I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest, breathing in the sweet smell of him. I tried to think of a witty come back, but instead smiled to myself thinking that the most peaceful sleep I get is when he is sleeping next to me. We sat in a calm silence, letting our warm embrace counter the cool dew of the morning. As we got up to leave, the ground was still covered in a shadow but the morning sky was filled with oranges, reds and purples as the rising sun ushered in a new day. 

* * *

We got back to the cabin and I sat in one of the chairs at the table. Ben, however, kept walking to the side of the bed and flopped onto the bed on his stomach. He rested his cheek on his arm and began intently staring at me. “What?” I asked feeling slightly embarrassed under his intense gaze. 

He smiled and shook his head, “Nothing,” and continued to stare. 

“Quit it, look at the plants or something.” 

His smile grew, “I would rather look at you.” I blushed at that and tried distracting myself from looking at him and absentmindedly ran my fingers through my loose hair. “I love the way you look with your hair down. You’re so beautiful.” 

My eyes shot to his and I could feel the warmth of the flush on my cheeks intensify. I broke our gaze quickly and became the one to look at the plants. “I think those ones might be budding,” I said lying, trying to find something else to talk about, but he replied with a low hum. “Come here,” he said breezily. 

I slowly looked up through my lashes at him out, to find him smiling, “You need to learn how to take a compliment.” I rolled my eyes and laughed, “And how would you react if I told you your hair looks beautiful?” 

His smile widened, “I would tell you that I know.” 

“You are insufferable,” I said in between laughs and got up to lay next to him. “Do you want to go out tonight?” 

“We just went out last night,” he said bemused. “Oh, come on,” I sat up and began playfully pulling at his arms, “Please?” I asked while dramatically fluttering my eyelashes. 

He looked at me strangely, “Do you have something in your eye?” I rested my forehead on my fingertips, “No, Ben,” I looked back to him, “I want to go out with you, have some drinks, do something stupid. It’ll be fun.” I finished trying to make my case with a large, toothy grin. 

“Doing something stupid is fun?“ He asked with a hint of a smile. “Oh, stop acting like you’ve never been drunk. Let loose, Ben Solo,” I quickly moved to my feet and started bouncing on the bed next to him, “be spontaneous.” 

He watched me as though I hadcompletely lost my mind but his eyes were full of happy amusement. “I did something spontaneous,” he said moving his head, gesturing to the portrait hanging on the wall. I landed on the bed with a sigh and crossed my legs, “And it was very sweet, but you can do more than one spontaneous act in two days.” 

He rolled to his belly and faked a groan into the pillow before his head popped up, his messy hair nearly coving his face, “Would it make you happy?”

“Very,” I said with a singsong voice. 

Ben smiled at that and moved me closer to him, “Okay then.”

* * *

“Another,” she said with an airy voice. He could see the the drink’s affect through the soft flush on her cheeks and felt it by the way her energy in the force seemed to quiver and burst with wave upon wave of joy and peace and lust. It was a feeling for him which gave an intoxication no drink could every possess. 

“Another?!” He asked both jokingly, yet slightly alarmed. 

“Yes. And another for him too.”  _She was a natural born commander_. 

The servers eyes darted between them and then turned on his heel to fetch our drinks. “I didn’t know you had such a tolerance for liquor,” Ben spoke with a voice oozing with sarcasm. 

“I’ll have you know... Sir... nights as a resistance fighter can be.. extraordinarily boring.”

Her voice was broken between hiccups and he couldn’t help but smile at her, “I’ll be sure not to get in the way of that.” _W_ _hat he would do to be able to be with her on those boring nights_. _Too much damage has been done, though_. _He could never be with her there._

“That would be fantastic!” He soaked in every inch of her enthusiasm, it was bittersweet to him that with being drunk she took his words so literal. 

The server quickly returned and put their drinks on the table and walked away. “I don’t think you should drink anymore, you seem thoroughly intoxicated.” 

“Oh no, buddy,–”

“–Buddy?” He cut in, amusement glistening in his eyes, but she continued, “Either I drink it or you drink both and I’m not drun–“ he moved fast to cut her off from what she was saying by reaching over and quickly downing both drinks before slamming them on the table, “There, that’s settled.” 

A huge grin grew on Rey’s face, “Yessss,” she spoke with a slightly slurred speech, “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

“I think you planned that,” he said with a laugh. “Maybe,” she said with a hint of smugness, “though, I would’ve drank it.”

“I’m sure.”

“Hey, Ben?” 

He looked at her a little oddly before speaking, “Yes?” 

She looked up at him shyly, her cheeks growing pinker and she giggled in a way that made his heart burst, “You look cute in that sweater.” 

He looked down at the soft, black fabric, all the while forcing himself not to laugh, “The person who gave it to me must’ve known black is my color.” 

“It really is,” she said in a slow, slurred voice and her soft hazel eyes catching his in a way that made his mouth go dry. He licked his lips and spoke in a low, husky voice, “Are you ready to go?” A small smile touched her face and the look in her eye deepened, “Just one more drink.”

“You’ll regret it in the morning.” Rey smoothed her hair back and let out a devilish laugh, “You underestimate me, Ben Solo.” 

_ Gods he loved it when she said his full name_ . He tried to ignore the growing presence of the burning within him and shifted slightly in his seat, “I would never,” he said with a smile to match hers.

He finally broke her gaze and searched for the person who had brought them their drinks earlier. He needed only to give him a look before the man came running. Even without people knowing he was Kylo Ren, they all seemed to still follow his command without a second of hesitation.  _Everyone but Rey_ . Ben straitened himself to his full size at the man’s approach and spoke firmly, “The lady will have  one  more drink.”

“The lady  _ can  _ speak for herself,” she chimed in with a slight roll to her eyes. 

The server looked between them nervously and cleared his throat, “Will that be all, then?” Rey looked at Ben smugly before smiling while shaking her head, “Yes.” She paused momentarily before quickly adding, “Actually, no, what’s your name?” 

Ben could feel confusion and anxiousness rolling off of the man at that, and he was nearly stuttering at his response, “It’s Colum, ma’am.” Rey gave him a beaming smile, “Colum, thank you, you’ve been a wonderful server tonight.” 

Ben gave her a look of confusion nearly matching the server’s. Colum took this as an opportunity to leave. He returned quickly with Rey’s drink, placing it in front of her and made a hasty retreat. 

“You really need to learn how to be nicer to other people,” she said with a giggle, “that poor man was terrified of you.” 

“I don’t know why, it’s not like I threatened him with his life.” She burst into laughter at that before gulping down her drink. “No, but with the way you looked, you might as well have.” 

“What look? I didn’t have a look?!”

“You kind of did. Very Supreme Leader-ish.” He rolled his eyes at that. He didn’t necessarily mind when she brought  that  up, it was true after all, but he did wish all of the other things about their lives could disappear while they were together. “Can we go now?” He asked quietly. 

Rey reached across the table for his hand and intertwined it with her own, “Let’s go home.” 

* * *

The walk back to the cabin was filled with Rey stumbling around and tripping over nonexistent objects and each time she would trip she would burst into laughter and grab ahold of his arm a little tighter. Ben would mumble to her to be careful in a light voice of concern, but he couldn’t help but savor the feel of her tiny hand wrapped around his forearm and the way she whispered curses with nearly every stumble she took. He looked down at her as she intently focused on the ground before her and soundlessly chuckled as she whispered, “Damn it,” as she tripped once more. 

He suddenly stopped walking which made her sway and he caught her and effortlessly scooped her up in his arms before continuing on the rocky path. “Is that better?” He asked her with amusement. 

“Much better,” she said with a content voice and placed her head on his shoulder. Her soft hair brushed his cheek and he couldn’t help but softly kiss the top of her head. He walked the rest of the way in silence; the lightness of her body in his arms and the warmth of it seemed to melt deep inside him and filled him with such happiness and pride like he had never felt before. He had known for a while that he loved her, but this feeling was beyond that. With each passing day he surprised himself finding that he loved her even more than the day before. He had never allowed himself to feel so deeply about another person, but she had made it easy. And now, he wanted nothing more than to hear those same sentiments to fall from her soft, pink lips. Each day became harder and harder for him to hold back telling her how he felt, but he wanted this to be on her terms, so Ben held it in. 

_ S_ _urly she has to have some feelings for him, why else would she be here? _ But his own self doubt eclipsed the thought, smashing it before the tiny glimpse of hope took root in his heart. That night he made love to her, worshipping every inch of her, begging her with each stroke to find it in her heart to love him back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor bby Ben has no idea that her feelings for him are growing too😭


	7. VI: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been sitting with this chapter like 90% done for forever and finally got the inspiration to finish it and I’m just totally in love with it.  
> To everyone reading, commenting and giving kudos: THANK YOU!!🥰

I woke up late in the day with a head-pounding headache.  _Should’ve listened to Ben_ ,  I thought irritatingly to myself.

I slowly sat up, testing to see if I would be overcome with dizziness, or the need to make a hasty run to the bathroom. Thankfully neither of which occurred. I slowly got dressed in the last clothes I had packed and felt a pang of sadness at the thought of leaving tomorrow.  _ I’m not ready_. I walked to the bathroom to get ready for the day and while combing my hair, thought back to Ben’s words and decided to leave it down. I then trudged back to the kitchen and gulped down two glasses of water as though I was back on Jakku and finally scored some water. I quickly brushed those thoughts away thinking,  _never again_. 

I refilled the glass and went to the plant hanging to the side of our bed, which I  so  cleverly referred to as the ‘glowing plant’ and then made my way back to the one off to the side of the kitchen. Tending to my plants filled me with an odd feeling of admiration and held it’s smooth leaves between my fingers and began staring off when a flash of movement outside the window caught my eye. “What is he doing?” I asked  aloud to myself. 

Ben was sitting inside his TIE fighter preoccupied with something. I placed the glass on the table and made my way outside. Whatever it was that held Ben’s attention, it distracted him enough from seeing me coming. I could hear his voice along with an unfamiliar voice full of static from a holocon. I quickly moved to my borrowed x-wing while cursing myself for being so eager to eavesdrop on his holoprojected conversation. I quietly walked to the back of it and to his ship, slowly inching closer so that I could hear. 

“Are you sure this will be happening?” Ben had a flatness in his voice that I wasn’t accustomed to and it caused me to worry a little. I listened harder but the transmission had a poor reception and made it impossible for me to make out everything that the other man had said. The voice spoke again, his voice filled with annoyance, “My sources haven’t been wrong yet, they’ve seen... movement over the last... days... will be there.”

“Have you picked a date?” Ben’s deep voice now matched this other man’s annoyance. “Two days.” 

Ben breathed in fully and exhaled, “Very well, do what you must.” I could hear Ben shut off the transmission and move things around in his ship. 

I ran as quickly as I could back around my ship and inside. I nearly flew into the small bathroom between the kitchen and our bed, got undressed and into the shower. I could feel my heart racing and tried to focus on the coolness of the water.  _ I hadn’t heard much, it could’ve been a completely innocent conversation _ , I tried reasoning with myself, but I knew deep down that was not the case. I began to get irritated with myself, wondering venomously what other outcome I should’ve expected,  He isn’t Ben Solo to the galaxy.  I tried pushing it all from my mind and focusing on the rising temperature of the water. I could feel the stress from my muscles release under its warm touch, I closed my eyes and focused on the rhythm of the sound it made hitting my scalp. 

“Rey?” Ben’s voice came from inside the bathroom, “Holy  SHIT!”  I screamed and flung the curtains back, “Ben! I didn’t hear you come in here,” I spoke nearly breathless. 

His face was etched with conflict but he still managed to crack a small smile, “Sorry to scare you. I didn’t see you when I came in.” 

There was an awkward pause, the sound of the water hitting the shower floor was all that could be heard and the steam coming from it was quickly filling the room. “Um, is everything okay?” He looked around the room for a moment while slowly nodding his head before looking back at me, “Yeah.” He gulped hard before continuing, “Can I get in?”

I could tell he was withholding what was wrong but I didn’t press the matter, partially because I had a strong feeling I  somewhat knew the reasoning behind his demeanor and if I were right, then I truly wasn’t ready to face it.  _Were you just playing the part of Kylo Ren,_ I sadly wondered to myself.

His eyes sharply darted to mine, as if he had just heard my thoughts. “Of course,” I said more shyly than intended. 

He dropped his clothes, stepping out of them and into the shower. I backed up as far as I could to let him have some of the water. It began pattering on his head, further darkening his midnight black hair. I watched half mesmerized and half envious of the water droplets falling from the tips of his hair and onto his broad chest, racing down the contours of his strong, muscly body. I intently inspected it,  so many scars. Most held a story I didn’t know, but some I recognized: the one Finn had given him from the cross point of Ben’s lightsaber, the blaster shot from Chewie... mine. 

The thoughts of the way he looked up at me after I stuck him came flashing through my mind, the look of confusion and maybe awe?  Now that I’m actually thinking of it, it was a bizarre reaction void of any rage that I had expected to come.  I followed the scar to his face to find that he had finished washing and was intently looking at me. I blushed but did not turn from his gaze, “I’m sorry.” The shock of my words seemed to jolt him out of his mood. “For what?” The deepness of his voice echoed through the shower and somehow made me aware of our nakedness. I blushed harder yet continued, “This,” I said, while stepping forward to reach out and trace the snake like scar, up his chest and to his cheek. 

“You had every right to do it.”

“Still, I just want you to know that I’m sorry for it.” He placed his hand over mine before moving it to his lips and kissed it gently.

Our eyes never parted and the heat around us was more than just the steam from the shower. My lips parted to speak but his crashed into them before any words could be uttered. His long arms wrapped around my back and pushed me into him, the feeling of his warm slippery body made me shudder. His lips moved with mine quickly, moving almost frantically in a way he had never done before. He sucked on my bottom lip, letting his teeth slowly rake the soft skin before scooping me into his arms and out of the shower in one swift motion. 

We fell onto the bed, our skin radiating heat from the shower and still wet, giving an intoxicating slickness to our bare skin rubbing against the other’s. The only noises to be heard were that of our heavy breathing and the rushed movements of our bodies meeting. There was such urgency like never before. He held himself over me, and he was thrusting hard and deep inside me. I let out a gasp and grabbed onto his arms at my side, using them in a way to help me move against and to his hips with more force. I closed my eyes tighter, “Oh, Ben-n” I said panting, “I’m.. so.. close..” 

He answered me by wrapping his arms behind my back, reaching around to hold on to my shoulders. With his full weight on top of me, he began going harder and faster sending me on the edge I’ve oblivion. I couldn’t hold back any more and shuttered as the pleasure peaked, sending me spiraling into a pool of warmth. Ben, feeling me come, grunted lowly, and moved hard and slow before letting his head fall to my shoulder. He kissed my neck and then rolled off of me. A small smile crossed my face before I moved to lay next to him, draping my leg over his waste. The slow movement of his fingertips on my arm began to lull me to sleep. As I began floating in the world between reality and dreams, I heard his deep voice softly whisper, “ I love you,”  and I knew that I surely must already be sleeping.

* * *

The room was filled brilliantly with the light of the midday sun and the smell of Ben’s cooking. I opened my eyes with a start. I hadn’t intended on taking a nap, especially since we would be leaving so soon, I wanted to enjoy every last second I could with him. I rolled over towards the kitchen and couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Ben gliding about the kitchen. 

“Are we going somewhere?” He half turned to me and let out a dazzling smiling before returning to packing what looked to be lunch and placing it in a basket. “I thought we could go for a hike and eat some lunch along the way. You know, be spontaneous, do something crazy.” I could hear the smile in his voice and I laughed, “Sounds like a good time.” I sat up in bed with the blankets draped over my lap and continued to watch him, he had packed an assortment of fruits, some bread and thinly sliced meat and began cleaning up his mess. I memorize his effortless movement, every move was sure and precise, yet absurdly elegant coming from a man as huge as he was. 

“Are you going to get dressed or are you going to go on this hike naked?” He said with his back still turned to me. He didn’t wait for me to respond before he turned to face me and leaned against the counter, “Of course, I wouldn’t mind the latter,” he said with a growing smile, “but it’s a bit impractical.”

I could feel myself turning pink under his playfully mocking stare, “Okay, okay I’ll get dressed. Continue on with what you were doing.” 

He shook his head and turned to finish cleaning up and I quickly got dressed, quietly laughing to myself at the sight of the ever graceful Supreme Leader Kylo Ren hand washing the dishes. 

* * *

We began our walk through the forest clearing, walking the same trail we had the last time we were here, when he had showed me his secret cave. The thought of it made me smile and I reached over to grab his hand into mine. 

“Are we going to another one of your secret spots?” He looked down and smiled at me, “We might pass a few along the way, but if I’m being honest, I’m just walking until I find a good spot.” 

“Oh? And how do you know where that will be.”

“Let’s just call it a feeling,” he said with a slight smirk. 

We walked for a while before we came upon an enormous and most likely ancient tree. He eagerly told me that he had climbed it as a boy, his eyes seemed to glisten as he softly touched its trunk, “I once climbed this thing so high, I was probably half way up when I realized how high I had gotten. I sat in that branch,” he pointed upwards with a proud look on his face, “But when I looked down I was terrified. I probably stayed there for an hour before I got the courage to climb back down.”

“It’s a wonder you didn’t slip and break your neck.” He laughed at that, “No doubt, but the force was with me, it guided me and I trusted it the whole way down. I think it was one of the my first memories I have with the force. Of course, it’s always been there.” 

I looked up and him and into his eyes, “I know what you mean,” I said thinking back to scaling rusted out ships and all the near misses and falls I’ve had, yet never once miscalculated my footing or hand placement due to what I foolishly thought was either sheer luck or intuition. “Come on, we’re not far.” We started walking again and I took one last look at the tree before turning back to Ben, “I thought you said you didn’t know where we’re going?” 

“I don’t, call it intuition.” 

* * *

After a time we happened upon a perfect clearing. We unpacked our lunch and talked of frivolous things, the scenery, how the food tastes, the weather; all the while it felt as though we were circling around an inevitable conversation. There was an odd tension of apprehension building around Ben and just as I sent my food aside and began to ask him what was wrong he quickly blurted out, “Please, don’t leave tomorrow.” 

His words came suddenly and left me with a confused smile, “What? Why?” 

He moved closed to me and grabbed my hands, “I’m not ready to see you go.”

I softened my smile, “Ben, you know they’re expecting me back.”

“I know that. Just stay with me. One more night, please.” His eyes dashed between mine, urgently as if trying to convey something. His signature in the force was withheld, he was hiding something. My mind immediately went to the partially heard conversation from earlier. “Is something wrong?”

His eyes grew soft, he reached out and traced the outline of my jaw to my chin, “Nothing is ever wrong when I’m with you.” 

I gulped hard, unsure of what he was saying but before I could ask, he spoke, “Rey, I need to ask you something. I wanted to wait for you to be the one to say it, but I can’t wait any longer without knowing.”

“Knowing what?” My voice barely above a whisper. 

“Why are you here? With me?”

I froze at his question. The same question that has been gnawing at the back of my mind since he first came to me on Ajun Kloss two months ago:  _What am I doing?_

“You could’ve stopped all this after you were hurt and I told you I couldn’t do it, but you wouldn’t have it.”

_What am I doing spending our nights apart in hushed conversations filled with laughter and gentle touches with the man running the First Order? _

“Ben.. I couldn’t,” I stumbled as I spoke. 

_What am I doing day dreaming of the next time we can run off to Naboo to be together? Giving him my body, soul... and heart. _

“Why?”

_ How could I have let myself lose control of my feelings? How can I tell him that through all of this I had somehow fallen in love with him?  _

“I don’t know.” His words and my thoughts were swimming around in my head so fast, I felt as though I could hardly breathe. I began to feel his presence at the base of my mind, slowly trying to find a way in. “Don’t you dare! I don’t go through your mind, if I want to know something then I ask you!” 

“I am asking! But you won’t talk to me!” He gave me the same look he had the day I shut him out on Crait, pleading with me to give him something I was too scared to speak out loud. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. Please, Rey, just talk to me.”

I quickly got up and began pacing, “I’m having a hard time understanding how I feel; I’m not good at this!” I began to feel the tears well in my eyes, not because I was sad but because I was scared. Vulnerable.  I had gone my whole life without having someone truly there for me. Someone who cared if I was happy or wanted to talk for the simple enjoyment of being together. Someone who cares. Someone who loves me. The realization hit my mind so hard that I sharply inhaled.  It wasn’t just me who had fallen in love. He loves me. How sad is it that I can’t recognize love when he’s been sitting right in front of me showing it to me this whole time. “ It’s just.. it’s you. You make me feel–“ I paused and let out a shaking breath before continuing, “Ben, you have done horrible things and I wonder if I’m a horrible person for accepting what you’ve done for the person that I know you truly are. When I look into your eyes and I feel like I’m exactly where I’m meant to be, I can’t help but loving all that you are.”

The tears gave way and began rolling down my face. “I love you and it scares me.” 

He slowly got to his knees and moved to me, taking my hands in his, “Say it again.” 

I dropped to his level so that I was looking directly into his eyes, holding them as if they were a life preserve to get me through a sea of doubt. “I love you, Ben Solo.” 

Ben let out a small gasp and his bottom lip quivered ever so slightly before he spoke, “After the fight in the throne room, I knew you wanted to be with me, I could  feel  it burning inside you... Which is why I came to you on Ajun Kloss. I couldn’t stand being apart from you any longer.” He paused for a moment and smiled, “I don’t know what I was expecting.. but I had hope. And then when we kissed, I knew I would do anything to get you to see that there was love between us. Rey, I have loved you from the second I saw you. You’re so strong,” he said letting go of my hands to run his fingers through my hair, “and good and everything I should have been. Only with you am I the man I’m meant to be, and when we are apart, the better part of my soul resides in you. You are everything to me.” He paused before speaking again, his voice little more than a whisper, “Can I show you something?”

I momentarily hesitated before a let out a small “Yes.” 

He held my hand in his and closed his eyes before letting out a small exhale. I could feel a build in the force around us and his signature at the edge of my mind. I slowly closed my eyes and let him in. Memories filled my mind, him seeing me in the woods of Takodana and the surprise he had felt at seeing that I was, in fact, a scavenger, but the look of determination in my eyes revealed so much more than that. A flash behind my eyes led on to another memory of us in a hut, our fingers barley touching, yet they seemed to light a spark that filled his entire body; When we were in Snoke’s throne room after I rejected him and his heart felt as though it had been ripped from his chest; Our first kiss on the Millennium Falcon, the night he knew he could not live without her touch. Every moment me had shared, every thought he had had of her, was right before my eyes. 

Tears we’re streaming down my face, and I let out a half laugh, half sob before I threw my arms around him. We held each other for a long time before breaking apart to look at one another. Starring into his deep brown eyes, I felt as though the galaxy had rearranged itself and he was at the center. He smiled his big smile, happiness radiating from him and reached out to cupped my face in his hand. I leaned into it closing my eyes. He slowly moved to the nape of my neck and pulled me into him. His kiss was slow and the feel of his warm breath in my mouth as he moaned immediately made my skin burn for his touch. We became frenzied trying to get our clothes off as quickly as possible. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down. I laid back in the cool grass, making my bare skin prickle, yet the warmth of his weight on me seemed to fan the flames of the fire burning deep within me. He was inside me with a swift thrust and I let out a gasp of pleasure. We moved together slowly, moving our hands up and down each others bodies, his hands twisting in my hair, while mine felt their way down his back. His thrusts began to slow and I opened my eyes to find him gazing down at me. He moved his hand to my check, and his thumb slowly traced the contour of my mouth, “I love you, Rey.” 

I reached up to his face, smoothing his hair back before resting my hands on each side, “I love you.” Our lips met again. The sweetness of his mouth and the feeling as his teeth grazed my lower lip made me moan into his mouth. We moved rhythmically, going faster with need and slowing to grind deeply together. I could feel my mind clouding and my body tightening, our breathing coming out in heavy, short bursts. The embodiment of ecstasy growing at my core couldn’t be contained any longer, I grabbed onto the posterior of Ben’s shoulders and let out a sharp gasp before succumbing. The cool ground on my bare skin mixed with the warmth of Ben’s body made my skin prickle all over and I shuttered as the warmth of his come filled between my legs. He smiled down at me and gave me a quick peck on my lips before sliding out of me. 

“So I’ll take that as you’re staying an extra day?” He said while putting his clothes back on. “Yes,” I said with a smile, “but  only  one more day. I have to go back..” 

I knew that the reluctance was plain on my face, so I did my best to hide it by fumbling around with my shirt and putting my leggings back on. When I was done, I looked up to find Ben staring at me. “You know you don’t have to go back, the first order will accept you with no questions asked. We can be together,” he bent down and kneeled before me and placed his hand on my face, tracing my jawline and gently moved my chin up so that I would look at him, “We could be happy together.” 

I placed my hand over his, relishing the feel of it before pulling away, “I know we could. But I can’t leave behind what I believe in.”

He stood up with that and began to silently gather our things. I let out a heavy sigh and went to him, “Ben, look at me.” He stopped what he was doing but seemed to look around at everything besides me. “I really do love you.” He finally met my eyes, the look of sadness gone from his, “I know.” He stepped forward, closing the distance between us and pulled me tightly into him.

* * *

We spent the rest of the night and all the next day floating between each other, in mind and body. We laughed and shared every minuscule thing there was to know about the other that hadn’t already been shared; we told each other the best moments of our childhoods, which between the two of us, wasn’t a whole lot and we held each other tight when we reopened the wounds of our past. We had been on Naboo for five short days, and in that time I had begun to feel as if I had known him for my whole life and loved him for a thousand more. 

Morning came fast and the time to depart our little slice of paradise was upon us. After several attempts of goodbyes and last kisses, Ben finally was the one to pull himself away and get into his TIE fighter. He gave me one last look before the engines screamed to life and he was gone. The whole way back to the Resistance base I cried. 

I cried for myself and for him and our seemingly doomed star-crossed love that we had embarked on. And during the trek, a transmission had come in to meet at a small desert planet called Pasaana instead of Ajun Kloss. Instead of wondering why, I thoughtlessly turned my autopilot to the coordinates and my attention to a single nagging thought that jabbed at the back of my mind. Instead of what had once been the jarring question of what I was doing going to a man I hardly knew, had now become a question of what I was doing leaving the man I loved. 

* * *

Kylo Ren arrived on the Finalizer late. He went to his quarters to fully dress in his, as Rey would put it, Supreme Leader-ish attire. His heart warmed and ached at the thought of her. He placed his signature piece on his head before leaving to criss-cross through the cold, labyrinth like halls of the ship and into the command room to find General Armitage Hux waiting for him. 

“I have been waiting for two hours. One would think that our great Supreme Leader would have better prioritization, instead he is aimlessly galavanting across the galaxy.” 

Unwilling to waste his time in jibes with someone he considers so far beneath him, he went straight to logistics, “How did the ambush go?”

The distortion of his voice from the mask nearly startled him. A flash of surprise covered Hux’s face before he quickly smothered it with indifference, “It didn’t.”

Kylo moved quickly and raised his hand, picking up Hux with the force and squeezed his throat, “What. Do. You. Mean?” The general’s voice came out in gasps, “Sir... it was only delayed. It will happen... midday tomorrow.” 

If he leaves now he could possibly make it there in time.  He threw Hux to the ground and screamed, “Prepare my shuttle!” Giving the command to anyone within hearing range. He could hear the scampering of quick steps from the hallway and turned his attention back to Hux, “How could you let this happen?!” 

Hux quickly got off the floor and pulled himself together, “Most of the Resistance had left Pasaana before we could ready our strike. They are expected to be returning tomorrow to continue gathering supplies.” 

_She’ll be there_. He fought the urge to ignite his lightsaber and strike the fool down, “Who is leading the attack?” He asked in a mechanically cool voice. 

“Phasma.” He let out an airy, dry laugh, “Get your things together, you’re coming with me.” 

He then turned on his heels and quickly began making his way to the command shuttle. His thoughts were racing the entire way and his helmet began to feel claustrophobic.  He had tried so hard to stall her from leaving Naboo, to keep her away from harm.  His pace began to quicken under his rage.  _He needed to get to her._ He couldn’t stop the attack, there would be too many questions that would demand justifiable answers that he didn’t have.  He balled his fists and felt the rage inside him nearly burning him alive.  He could not lose her. Not after everything that had transpired between them.  The memory of her proclaiming her love for him rushed into his mind and her beautiful words that filled him with hope of a future,  “ _loving all that you are_ ,” she had said, _but will she love me after this_?  He arrived breathlessly at the Upsilon-class shuttle and began prepping for departure just as the red faced general barely managed to make it onboard.  _ Please, forgive me.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Phasma didn’t survive TLJ, but when I first envisioned this story, I couldn’t think of anyone better for what is to come than her.  
> Also, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post again but just know that I will be seeing this fic through to the end.❤️


	8. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of Ben Solo/Kylo Ren POV and it has me stoked because I initially didn’t intend for that to happen. During his POV you’ll notice I flip flop between his names and that is intentional. He’s constantly torn between being Ben Solo with Rey and Kylo Ren with the First Order and this chapter definitely blurs the lines between his two lives and his conflicting feeling in a huge way. 
> 
> Thanks for reading🥰

As I landed in a remote location at the top of a dusty desert plateau of Pasaana, I began to wonder if my coordinates were wrong. “Where is everyone?” I said aloud to myself. I quickly got out of my ship and began to walk around. The feel of the hot desert sun and the dry, sandy wind hitting my face made me shutter at the resemblance this plant had of Jakku. I brushed the thoughts off quickly and looked over the edge of the plateau and into a deep crevice. The area below had to be at least fifty feet down and wide enough for a small freighter to pass through before reaching the rocky wall of another land formation. I closed my eyes and let the world around me amplify, instantly knowing that other beings were near, one of which’s presence I knew. “What the hell is he doing in there?” I began my slow climb down. Once I made it to the desert floor I took a second to slow my breathing down and wiped beads of sweat from my brow, laughing at myself. _Scaling walls in the desert heat was once my expertise_. _Naboo and Ajun Koss have spoiled me_ , I thought with a small smile. I dusted off my clothes and took a long look at the opening of the crack between the two massive landforms. I hesitantly made my way in and felt relief at the coolness from the shade, yet the complete silence that seemed to echo around me was unnerving.

  
As I continued on for what seemed like a never ending path through the canyon, I felt the familiar presence drawing nearer, “Finn?” I asked quietly. There was a few heartbeats of silence followed by the sound of footsteps in the sand and soon Finn appeared from behind the turn of the rock wall, “Rey!” He said in a low, husky voice before embracing me in a hug. He pulled away slightly to look at me, “What are you doing here?! Don’t you know we’re under attack?”

My mind went completely blank and I stuttered trying to get the words out, “I, uh, got a comm that gave me coordinates for here. What do you mean you’re under attack?”

He let go and started walking in the direction from where he had come from, “We’re stuck here, no one can make it to their ships, the First Order has all of our supplies surrounded and captured the majority of our forces in the village. A few of us managed to escape.”

I walked quickly to keep up with him, “That’s impossible, there’s a way out! How do you think I got in here? We can leave from where I came in from.”

“Yeah, and go where? There’s no ships, no place to hide outside of here; we’d be shot down like dogs. At least here we have a chance to stand our ground and fight until back up arrives.”

“And when should that be?” Finn looked at me, his face full of worry, “I don’t know.”

“So is this going to be another Crait?”

“No. We know that help will come, Poe is leading the rescue, I just don’t know if it’ll be soon enough. There is some good news though.”

“Oh? Well thank the gods for that because it’s not sounding too great.”

“This will be a ground fight, they only brought shuttles for the stormtroopers.”

“That’s the good news?” I asked trying to hide the disappointment from my voice. “It could be worse,” he said with a tiny smirk, “they could have a fleet of TIE fighters come shoot down the top of this canyon onto us.”

“Good point, I guess.”

Finn slowed his pace so that we could walk side by side “Or, they could have the big guys come join the fight. Hux is too much of a coward to do the dirty work but Ren and his knights are known to enjoy a fight.”

“Sounds like you’ve really been going over the possibilities, it’s a little morbid though, perhaps we should talk about something more positive?” I said with a knot in my throat. Did Ben know this was going to happen? Is this what his secret conversation was about? The thought of it left me nauseous and overwhelmed but I forced myself to clear it from my mind, I had more pressing matters to worry about. We walked to where the rest of the Resistance was in silence. They were already in position, maybe forty of them in all, and spread out as much as they could from each other in several make shift bunkers. The bunkers themselves were little more than a four foot deep hole dug into the ground that overlooked the flat, bareness of the desert. From the distance, we could see sand being kicked up from what we knew were the marching of footsteps of the stormtroopers.

The air was static around us, the battle was near and the thought of what laid ahead of us became an almost tangible presence that grew with each passing second. I quickly picked the bunker furthest from the entrance of the canyon and did my best to control my breathing. Every now and then I would run my fingers over the hilt of my saber, double and triple checking it’s place at my side. My stomach churned while I thought over the last hour, silently damning myself over the ignorance of wandering around while there was a literal battalion marching towards me.

Finn broke my thoughts as he ran over and plopped down next to me, “You ready, peanut?” He said with a shaky breath and handed me a blaster.

  
“I guess I have no other choice,” I said matching his voice. Off to the side of us in another bunker was the sound of someone wrenching and the muffled sound of sobbing. Finn shook his head next to me and mumbled something incoherent before popping his head up out of the bunker enough so that everyone could see him.

He spoke loud and clearly, all the shakiness in his voice gone, “I know it looks bad, I know you’re all scared, but have hope!” His voice echoed at the last word, he chewed on his lip slightly before continuing, “Most of us are the sons and daughters of those brave Rebels who stood up to the tyranny that was the Galactic Empire! We must live up to the standard they set: we must resist our enemies in any and every way! The Resistance will come for us, we have not lost yet!”

By the end of his speech, fear seemed to have evaporated and in its place hope and determination set in. I looked at my friend with awe as he took his seat next to me, “That was incredible, Finn.”

“They just needed a little positivity,” he said with a wink.

I surprised myself with a small laugh, “You definitely did it.”

The troopers were close now, everyone now and then a shot would ring out from both our side and theirs, still too far apart the blasts would miss their target and send sand and rocks flying into the air. As they got closer, the more the shots rang out until it was a never ending echo of blasts. Finn had become great with a blaster and took down four or five troopers in less than half a minute.

As I was working on my targets I heard a sharp gasp fall out of Finn’s mouth followed with a voice full of hate and dread, “God’s it’s Phasma.”

I found her quickly in my scope, her tall figure covered in her bright chrome armor. Dirt flew up at the misses and loud cries pierced the air as the wounded tried to seek medical attention.

Things were quickly falling apart, “If we stay in these holes, they will become our graves! Cover me!”

I jumped out of the hole and ignited my saber and quickly went to work blocking the blaster bolts and charging towards the troopers. I could hear Finn scream behind me at the others to cover me and I kept going. I made it to the first wave of troopers quickly, slashing through them as if they were made of nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see other resistance fighters, along Finn take my lead and began charging towards the fight.

It was complete chaos, my heart thundered in my ears as I cut and slashed, effortlessly moving my saber as if it were an extension of my arm, hellbent on taking down anyone in my path. As a trooper dropped in front of me from the swift flick of my saber, a bright reflection caught my eye just in time to see Phasma running towards me with deadly intent. She was on me in nearly an instant. Her chrome armor glistening in the hot sun, casting a reflection momentarily blinding me. Phasma’s deadly weapon, a long metal staff with razor sharp blades at both ends moved swift through the air, with brute force. I blocked the blow with a quick move of my lightsaber, and was met with a metallic shriek as it came in contact with it. Shock overcame my face as the staff did not melt in half as I had anticipated.

“Buskar steel,” she said, her voice metal voice oozing satisfaction before maneuvering her weapon from my saber and lunging the blade towards my flank.

I moved fast, narrowly missing the blow. We danced around each other, swinging and missing, our blades singing their metallic tune again and again. My muscles ached as they never had before, screaming for relief but my mind stayed sharp and on target, not giving into their plea.

“You shall die like the scavenger scum you are,” she snarled, “Alone and in the dirt.” She raised her blade high above her before bringing it down full force only to be intercepted by my saber.

I let out a loud, feral cry as we stood there, locked together, pushing the others blade with full strength. In a swift move, Phasma slid her staff from my saber, brought her foot up and kicked me as hard as she could into my chest, and swung her blade back around. The move knocked the air from my lungs and left me stumbling before finally collapsing on my back, gasping for air. I could feel a slight sting coming from a small portion of the bottom of my jaw line, but the feeling was brief as I clung onto the tiniest thread of consciousness.

 _I’m going to die_.

Phasma’s blade came down in slow motion, each nanosecond that passed played the story of my life. From my earliest memory of being abandoned, to every struggle of life on Jakku. I relived the pain of loosing Han Solo at the hands of Kylo Ren, to the adventures I had with the Resistance and finally, the moment me and Ben Solo’s touched hands in the hut on Ahch-To. Every moment that lead me from hating Kylo Ren to loving Ben Solo swirled in my mind. Sweet memories of his caress, his kiss, the soft words we spoke to each other. A single tear rolled down my cheek and I closed my eyes as I waited for the inevitable kill blow.

* * *

_As her mind faded into unconsciousness or death, she wasn’t quite sure which of the two had taken her, Rey knew she was at peace knowing she had felt enough love and happiness in her final days to last her an eternity. She let out one final “I love you,” into the void of the force, hoping desperately that Ben would hear it and then she drifted off into nothingness._

* * *

He made it to Pasaana in what was probably record time.

 _Han would be proud_. His absent minded thought irritated him, he always did well at blocking any thoughts of his father from his mind and now was definitely not the time to be thinking of Han Solo with Rey undoubtedly just minutes away from facing slaughter.

As he drew closer to the scene, he desperately looked for Rey, praying to the gods and the force that she was not there. His eyes locked onto a dull blue flash of light on the battlefield, cutting through its enemy with lightning speed and precision. His stomach dropped and he fought the urge to vomit.

“LAND THIS SHIP NOW!!” He screamed to the officer.

“It would be safer to watch from a distance,” General Hux said with annoyance.

Kylo Ren grabbed the man by his throat and brought him up to the eye piece of his mask, “BRING THIS FUCKING SHIP DOWN, NOW!”

The officer flying the shuttle didn’t hesitate and before the ship’s doors had fully touched the barren ground, he was out and running towards her. His saber hissed to life in his hand and he struck down anyone who got in is way, Resistance or not.

As he made his way to Rey, he saw her head to head with Phasma, their weapons looking as though they were fused together in an X shape. Time slowed for him as Captain Phasma broke free from their struggle, lifted her leg and released a devastating kick to Rey’s chest, sending her flying through the air and onto her back. “NOOOO, STOP!!”

He ran as fast as he could as Phasma lifted her blade over her head to deliver the final blow. Ben leaped through the air and brought his saber up just in time to block its devastating blow with a loud crackle. Phasma went rigid and dropped the weapon to her side, “Supreme Leader, what are you doing?!”

But Ben did not hear her, in the forefront of his mind was the weak voice of Rey telling him that she loved him. His chest convulsed with a suppressed sob. He could not think straight, and the air in his chest seemed to have frozen. He ripped his helmet off and flung it to the side. He turned to Rey who laid limp and bloodied, but by the grace of the gods was still breathing, though the sound itself wasn’t reassuring. Her breathing was unstable, raspy and had an ominous gurgle to it. He turned to the Captain and boomed, “Get back to my ship and tell them to prepare a medical droid.”

He swiftly gathered Rey in his arms and ran through the ongoing battle, repeatedly whispering, “It’s going to be okay,” but whether it was for himself or Rey he wasn’t sure.

He ripped through the epsilon-class shuttle and was met with the weasel-faced general. “Captain Phasma relayed a particularly disturbing report, what are you doing bring the Jedi here, Ren?”

Rey softly moaned in his arms and began to gag as her body reflexively tried to expel the blood built up in her lungs. His face felt as though it turned to stone, yet his eyes burn furiously with hatred, “If you don’t move, I will strike you down.”

Hux let the shock appear on his face before stepping out of his way just as he was about to force his way past him. He could feel Hux’s confused gaze burning into the back of his head, but it didn’t matter, Rey needed help urgently. He found the med droid in the command room and barked orders at it to follow him. He moved into a small room with a tiny cot and gently placed Rey onto it. Kylo went to the droid and jammed his index finger into its mechanical chest, “If she dies, I will kill everyone on board and find a way to make your existence a living hell for as long as your little bolts hold out, do you understand?”

The droid let out a simple, “Yes, master,” in its usual monotoned voice and got to work tending to Rey.

Ben went to her and momentarily held her hand, placing it to his lips and gave her a soft kiss before gently putting it back down and leaving the room. He stood outside her door for a moment, having a hard to believing what had just happened. He held his face in his hands and slowly rubbed his eyes with his finger tips. Kylo breathed deeply and regained his composure before going back into the command room. The room grew silent when he entered, no doubt that Phasma and Hux had been conspiring amongst each other moments before. He sat in his chair and looked at them, “Take us back to the Silencer.”

“The battle is still going, shouldn’t we see to it that they are wiped out.” Hux objected, of course.

Kylo let out an annoyed exhale, “They are all dead or dying anyway, this isn’t the entire Resistance. Destroy their ships so that whatever remaining survivors can’t leave and be done with it.”

Hux and Phasma stood next to each other, clearly not done with the conversation. “Are we not going to address what happened with the girl and why she is here?” Phasma asked in a frigid voice.

“She is a traitor and a war criminal who killed our beloved Supreme Leader Snoke,” Hux chimed in, never one to let go of an argument.

He looked between the two of them for a moment before finally answering, “She is my prisoner and I will hear nothing more of it.”

Hux’s shifty eyes shown with a new light of curiosity as if he had just uncovered a secret new puzzle piece he didn’t know was missing. For once the general didn’t argue, he turned on his heels quickly and sat in his seat. It would’ve been a relief had it not been the tiny smirk that warped Hux’s mouth that left him with an icy chill down his spine. Although he hated the man, he was clever.

 _Let him think what he wishes_ , he thought, _the only thing that matters is getting Rey to the Silencer to be provided with more care_.

The ship jolted to life and the planet Pasaana was soon fading away from his gaze. As they were thrusted into hyperspace, Ben got up and began to pace the ship to avoid the prying eyes of the Captain and General.

He made his way to the cabin that held Rey and quickly entered. The small room was now filled with multiple monitors, bags filled with liquid and medication and tubes that led to the motionless body of Rey. His eyes lingered on her for a long time. She looked terrible. Her once vibrant skin was pale, and a deep purple bruise began to form around where the blade had cut her. There was still a small amount of blood that had crusted at the edge of her lip and trailed off down her cheek. If it weren’t for the bleeping of the monitors and the faint feeling of her in the force, he would’ve thought she was already dead.

He turned his attention to the droid huddled over a vitals screen, attentively watching its activity. “How is she?” He asked numbly.

The droid looked to him as if it hadn’t noticed he had entered the room, “The patient is stable, though further diagnostics and treatment will be needed.” It stated in a long winded monotonous voice, “She was administered intravenous medication to temporarily sedate her and promote healing as well as saline solution to maintain her body’s homeostasis. She had received a minor superficial cut to her jaw, that required stitches along with several broken ribs and a collapsed lung that required a chest tube to drain the fluid that had accumulated as a result of the blunt trauma.”

Ben became suddenly overwhelmed and his head began to spin, his brows curled against each other with worry, “But she will be alright?”

“Yes. With proper care, the patient should make a full recovery.”

He breathed a sigh of relief and thanked the droid. Ben brought a chair from the corner of the room and placed it at her bedside taking her hand into his. He slowly moved his thumb back and forth, savoring every second of the few of the touch of her skin on his. His muscles ached with tension and his thoughts ricocheted between relief and fear. He was joyously relieved that she was physically going to be okay but the matter of how she will react to what had happened once she woke left him restless and on edge.

After a couple hours of driving himself insane, Ben asked the med-droid for a basin of water and clean cloth and began to cleaned the dirt and blood of her face. He patted her face dry and smoothed her hair behind her ears. His touch lingered on her face as he softly traced her skin with his finger tips. The sorrow suddenly flooded into his mind and his eyes welled with tears. His lower lip began to quiver and he inhaled a sharp breath trying to control a sob, but this grief was uncontrollable and it broke through his lips, fiercely. He stepped back from Rey and fell into his chair, allowing the sorrow to flow through him.

 _He had come so close to loosing her, he heard what Rey thought was her last dying thought and now sits next her her battered body, and it was all his fault. His allegiance would be the death of her– unless_. The thought crashed into his mind and ceased the tears. _Unless her going to the Silencer could be turned into a good thing for them. He had seen her at his side before, when they touched on Ahch-To, perhaps these are the moments leading to it._

Ben turned his attention back to Rey and for the first time since this ordeal started, he looked at her with hope. He took Rey’s hand into his and stayed by her side for the rest of the journey back to the Silencer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved Finn’s inspirational speech, but a part of it can’t be credited to me. “We must live up to the standard they set: we must resist our enemies in any and every way” was a quote made in 432 BC by Pericles to gain support in Athens for the war against Sparta which eventually became the Peloponnesian War. I love Ancient Greek history and mythology so finding this quote and being able to incorporate it makes me love it that much more.


	9. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I'm adding a warning for brief mentions of taking pain medication to my tags in case that is triggering for some***
> 
> I'm so excited to finally getting to this part of the fic. When I first thought of it, this and the next few chapters to come are some of my favorite parts of it. I hope everyone enjoys!!!❤️❤️❤️

_The room was dimly lit, but the white walls and the smell of him surrounding her let her instantly know that she was in Ben’s quarters on his ship, the Silencer. A chill shuttered through her body and she let out a sharp gasp at the movement. A painful coughing fit soon ensued and she laid motionless as to not aggravate her battered body. Curiosity got the better of Rey though and she looked around the room as much as she could without moving her aching body. It was large and immaculately clean. She fought a smile and was relieved that some things about Ben stayed the same as he played Kylo Ren. Her eyes flew open with the thought of Kylo Ren and the attack on Pasaana. Her speeding heart rate matched the sound of the beeping at her side and soon there was a feeling of cold moving through the veins of her arm. A warm waved washed over her, taking with it all her worries and pain and soon she was back in the comfort of oblivion._

* * *

Far way muffled voices seemed to surround me. My eyebrows furrowed as I drowsily opened my eyes, blinking multiple times to get them to adjust to the now brightness of the room. As my vision came into focus, I slowly moved my limbs to test my limits on how much I could move without causing pain. I found out quickly that slow, slight movements of my arms and legs were fine but any attempt at moving the rest of my body set radiating pain throughout me. I hissed in a breath and caught the attention of the med droids that were now in the room.

“Good, you’re awake.” It said in a monotones voice.

I licked my dry lips before speaking, “Just barely. How long have I been sleeping?”

“About three days.” It said automatically.

“Three days?!”

“You needed to heal and rest from your wounds. We administered pain relief and a concentration of medication to speed the healing process and prevent infection, though one of the side effects are drowsiness.”

“Sounds more like a coma.” I said sarcastically.

“No, a coma would be–“

“It was a joke.” I said a little too sharply. I looked at the droid softer now and smiled, “Thank you for taking such good care of me.”

“My pleasure. It is my programming... And our Supreme Leader said he would make my existence most unpleasant of you died in my care.”

I blushed at his name, “And where is he? This is his room, is it not?”

“It is. Which is odd as it isn’t typical protocol for a prisoner to be treated in the Supreme Leader’s chambers.”

“I suppose it wouldn’t be.”

This gossipy droid was surprisingly friendly for it to be working for the First Order, but it referring to me as a prisoner caused an uneasy feeling. “Well, either way don’t give me any more of whatever drug makes me sleep, I’d like to stay awake from now on.”

“If you insist. You seem stable enough where that would be an acceptable request. It would benefit you to start moving more, I can leave you some tablets, though the side effects are dizziness, pain relief and a sense of euphoria.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” I said with a small laugh, “Thank you.”

He merely nodded in response and left a tablet with a small glass of water next to my bed and left the room. I slowly moved from my supine position to sitting in the bed. The pain in my side made me dizzy and I quickly grabbed the tablet and the water and downed both. In the position I was now in, I was able to see around the room better. I looked down at the bed, it’s thick black covers covered it’s large frame. I slowly grew the courage to move out of the comfort of the warm bed.

Now sitting at the edge with my bare feet dangling to touch the cool, smooth floor, I braced myself and with a heave I was to my feet. Though I walked slow and bent over slightly, clutching my side, it felt nice to be up and moving. My legs felt shaky at the use of them but I continued on. I found the bathroom and relieved myself and began my slow walk back to the main chamber and began to snoop around. I could tell the medication was kicking in as I was moving with slightly less stiffness and I had an overwhelming sense of giddiness while look through Ben’s things. Sitting on his white polished desk, the cross-guarded hilt of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber caught my eye. I moved to it as though under a trance and gently moved my fingers over it before taking it into my hand. It’s weight was familiar but I had never had a chance to truly examine it. It was relatively crudely built, which was surprising as Ben had a precise hand in everything he does, but the crudeness gave it an ancient look that demanded respect.

There was a sudden, loud hiss and movement of a door, I quickly threw the saber back onto the table and froze as a figure with the mask of Kylo Ren walked in. He stopped in his tracks with surprise at the sight of me up and out of bed. He quietly stared at me for a long, apprehensive moment before turning his attention to the still still spinning saber hilt on the table and then back to me once more. He took off his helmet and with long strides he placed it next to his lightsaber and stood directly in front of me.

“Rey...”

“What am I doing here?”

“Well I couldn’t leave you laying on the dessert floor.” A ghost of a smile appeared on his face.

“I don’t think this is funny, Ben. I could’ve died. For all I know my friends are dead. Did you know there was an attack planned?”

All humor drained from his face with that. “Yes.” He said as he moved slightly closer, “But I swear to you, I didn’t mean for you to be there.”

“How could you?” I said, not holding back the pain or disgust in my voice.

“Rey, please–“

“I TRUSTED YOU!” I yelled, my voice finally giving in to a sob.

“I tried to plan it so that you weren’t there. I couldn’t stop it from happening, Hux controls the troopers, it was out of my hands.”

“Oh spare me, Ben. You’re the fucking Supreme Leader,” I said while motioning to his helmet sitting on the desk, “you could’ve ordered them to stop.”

“Not without suspension.”

“So what?! You don’t need to be this person any more, Ben! You have me, why can’t that be enough?” Tears filled my eyes and I looked away from him.

He took one more step closer to me, so that there was nearly no space between us and hesitatingly placed his hand over mine, “You are more than I can ever ask for.” He looked me over, and moved the hair from my eyes before continuing quietly, “I don’t know how to stop being Kylo Ren, I know what I should do, what I want to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

All my anger dissipated, “But you do, Ben. I see you for who you are, you are Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren. I wouldn’t have met you on Naboo if I saw you as anything different.”

Our conversation became interrupted with the hissing sound of the door and red haired, red faced man who was walking with a quick pace. “General Hux, from now on you will not enter this room without some form of forewarning, a knock maybe?”

The generals eyebrows flew up and took notice of the closeness between me and Ben before looking to me, “Right... of course,” he said while moving his eyes over me. “Looks as though Phasma’s blow wasn’t your end, Jedi. I do find it quiet peculiar for you to be in our Supreme Leaders quarters– not to be confused with the Supreme Leader you struck down.” Amusement radiated from him and he was genuinely enjoying this encounter.

“General Hux, it’s good to finally meet you. I see your lack of subtlety in which Poe and Finn have told me about is true.”

His smirk twitched at the gibe and his piercing blue eyes looked as though they were trying to melt me on the spot. “You dare speak of them on this ship.”

“That’s enough,” Ben spoke in his deep, commanding voice but I could tell he was finding this entertaining.

“A scavenger turned resistance fighter turned Jedi speaks has the gale to speak to me with such insolence to me and speaks of traitors and yet you stand there and let it happen? This is madness even for you, Ren. Walking her in here and placing her in your quarters as if she is the queen of this ship! It is outrageous!”

“What is it that you need exactly, Hux?”

“Doing my duties, apparently I’m the only one in this room who knows them. How would General Organa feel seeing you in such close proximity to Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, Rey?”

Ben stiffened and anger flooded around him, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Hux wildly laughed again, “Oh, don’t I? And you say I lack subtlety.” He continued on after an awkward pause, “We are needed to go over the next steps. And your Knights are here.”

Ben let out a long, irritated sigh before nodding. I stood there momentarily stunned. I opened my mouth but no words could come out. After a second I finally spoke, “I think I need to go lay down.”

“Let me help you.”

I looked from him to Hux, “I’ve got it.” I said shortly.

Ben still followed my slow pace behind me and helped me swing my legs into bed before tucking me in nicely with his soft black blanket. “I think I may have done to much,” I said with a grimace.

He smoothed my hair back and gently caressed my head, “I’ll have the med droid come back with more pain medication. I’ll be back as soon as I can. There’s a datapad for you on the bedside in case you get bored.” He hesitated momentarily before lifting his hand and softly kissed my check. He turned quickly, ignoring Hux’s perplexed face and left the room.

“Until next time,” the ever vigilant General said with a slight sarcastic bow before following Ben’s trail.

Anger boiled in Rey’s blood. At herself. At Ben and at the horribly infuriating Hux. It wasn’t until she got her second dose of pain meds that her anger turned into humor. Although Hux was an ass, he was able to stand his ground to the extraordinarily stubborn Ben Solo and for that she had to give him kudos. The whole confutation was weird and confusing. I pushed them from my mind and took the datapad from the small, white table at the side of the bed and began to search as far as I could about the Jedi, the Sith and the history of the galaxy.

* * *

He returned after an hour or two from a meeting that could have easily been condensed to an email to find Rey asleep with the datapad still in her hands. He smiled at the sight of her in his bed and began to undress, staying in nothing but loose fitting shorts. He climbed into bed next to her and wrapped her into his arms, breathing in the sweet smell of her.

“How was your meeting? She asked into his chest. He looked down at her, surprised that she had woken up,

“Very dull.... Are you still mad me?”

She nuzzled closer into his chest and spoke sleepily, “Maybe.”

“You have no idea how happy it makes me to finally have you here, laying with me in my bed.”

“Our bed is on Naboo.” She said with some sharpness.

“That’s true, but I’ve still daydreamed many times about having you here.”

Rey began inching her way up his body until they were face to face and graced his lips with hers, softly at first before moving hers with his with much intensity. "Do you daydream about this, too? She breathed a small moan into his mouth while nipping the bottom of his lip ever so gently.

"Every day," he breathed into hers. 

He moved his arms up and down her frame, accidentally causing a sharp inhale come from her. The noise broke him from his lustful trance, “Kriff, I’m sorry.” He said and pulled away.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” Rey spoke breathily as she began to try and kiss him again.

“Rey, what are you doing?”

“Trying to kiss you, obviously”

“You are high on pain medicine with a healing lung, I seriously don’t think this appropriate”

“I’ll say what is and is not appropriate.” She said with a mischievous grin.

He battled his will to urge against her desire, but in the end he succumbed to it. He kissed her deeply in answer before speaking in a husky voice, “If it hurts, you need to stop.”

She smiled against his lips, “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure,” he said with a sigh.

But all his worries began to fade with her soft kiss and the feeling of her rolling on top of him. “I will love you for forever,” he said in between kisses. She giggles slightly, which was a wonderful feeling as he entered her. “You better.”

She took my hands into his and rested them on the pillow above his head and began to slowly rocks her hips back and forth. Rey’s breasts graze his face and he feels as if he’s already about to burst. He lets out a ragged breath and she begin to rotate her hips faster, speeding up and then slowing down so that they could grind together deeper. Her legs begin to squeeze around him and he knows she’s getting close. He thrusts into her and she lets out a loud moan, he was close, so close but he held on a little longer for her to come too. She began to pant and called out his name and suddenly, it was over. His cock throbbed within her and the greatest feeling of pleasure washed over him. Ben, out of breath, looked up to Rey to see her smiling and he couldn’t help but let out a laugh.

He gathered her into his arms and traced the familiar lines of his body before they both fell asleep.

* * *

Ben could tell he hadn’t been asleep for long when he felt a presence draw near. The swish of the door followed by the shuffling of feet immediately made him sit up in bed, exposing his bare torso.

Hux loudly cleared his throat and spoke quietly yet urgently, “My apologies for barging in,” he said with a genuine tone which surprised and alarmed Ben, “We have a problem that demands your urgent presence.”

Ben moved quickly, yet silently as to not wake up Rey and put on an all black shirt before approaching the general. “What is it?” He asked quietly.

“It’s the Resistance. They want the girl.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first *ever* fanfic... be gentle with me


End file.
